Santa Claus denied a visa

Some children have expressed their disappointment that the festive season will be minus one pivotal figure, but a Home Office spokeswoman said: ‘We can’t have quasi-mystical figures, coming over here, with their elf sweat shops. Jobs which could easily be filled by a British Druid or Boggart.

‘Santa has long been associated with breaking and entering, reindeer prostitution - or Ho Ho Ho’s as he calls them. And arbitrarily deciding who is naughty or nice is just the sort of thing a European bureaucrat would support.’

https://pixabay.com/photos/santa-clause-christmas-december-3010837

Liz Truss prepared to say absolutely anything for Conservative member votes

Liz Truss is perfectly comfortable saying absolutely anything which might appeal to Conservative members and lure them into voting for her. Her ammunition dump of automatic fire zingers lovingly prepared by the ghost of Margaret Thatcher include:

'Monkeypox is caused by gay gibbons'

'I was a better Foreign Secretary than Boris Johnson, because I wore the right hats in every country I went to'

'I will be a better Prime Minister because I drive tanks and he only drove yellow diggers'

'Woking is too woke'

image from pixabay

Sunak promises to only supply unicorns "when we can afford it"

Tory leader candidate Rishi Sunak has said that "Britain must be sensible. Although we all like unicorns and we'd all like one in our back garden, I don't think we can afford to have them right now, but if we follow a realistic plan, we can start delivery in 2023. That will give us plenty of time to get a trade agreement with Narnia. Is that where they come from?"

image from pixabay