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Responding to a recorded message to make contact “if you see something that doesn’t look right”, a woman in Huddersfield today called British Transport Police to the city’s rail station after seeing a Transpennine Express train leave on time.


“Watching the 08:35 to Manchester Airport arriving 15 minutes after it was supposed to depart is one of the comforting little rituals of my daily commute” said Tanya Jones, 35. “So when I arrived this morning and saw the train pulling out on time, something jarred in me, and I got suspicious. Then the announcement came over the tannoy and I knew what I had to do.”


“We’d like to thank Ms Jones for her swift action” said a spokesperson for British Transport Police. “That train could have been hijacked or anything. We will bring you further information as soon as possible, although we are unable to say exactly when, as unfortunately the train our officers were travelling on in pursuit has broken down just outside Slaithwaite.”




'Yes, you got us banged to rights,' admitted a government spokesman today. 'We've been a comedy government for some time, so the transition to a full-blown parody account was a no-brainer.'


The full-blown parody was started with the appointment of an obese, cigar-smoking woman who objects to abortions despite the health connotations for many women to the role of Health Secretary, on the grounds that the country needs more of the currently unborn to shoulder the burden of debt that will pay more excess profits to the energy sector for the next thirty years, and the appointment of climate change deniers to oversee the environment is believed to have occupied Prime Minister Truss' brain for no more than a nano-second.


'Despite their disbelief in the scientific consensus, and while the parody government is going to resume fracking and will pull more hydrocarbons out of the ground, it is serious about renewable sources. Windfalls, for example, are to be banned,' said the spokesperson.


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