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The biggest threat to Xmas canapés is women on a diet


England's chief medical officer warned: ‘Everyone loves a Christmas pudding but no one likes to look like one. The UK’s women need to show more restraint or a smaller bite circumference. There is a ‘laissez faire’ attitude to eating, which is unfortunate phrase as it sounds like some fancy French trifle.


‘Just stop drinking goose fat and treating Baileys as a diet shake. Move the Quality Street to the other side of the room and accept that you’re not big boned if you look like a Prop Forward. You can’t eat happiness and you certainly can’t deep fry it.’


While the report mentions growing obesity in men, it acknowledges that fat men are much more jolly, particularly at seasonal points of the year.





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Changes to Monopoly to keep it relevant


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Families who bought the Monopoly board game this Christmas may be surprised to discover that the money has been replaced with bitcoins and the rules have been changed to allow players to live rent free on the pavements.


A spokesperson from Hasbro, who make the game, said "The game had lost its relevance to anyone under 60, so we needed to make some changes, but there were also legal issues involved. Lawyers for the Russians who actually own Mayfair and Park Lane told us that their clients would sue us if the pretence that their properties could be rented on an ad hoc basis continued. Apparently Foreign tourists have been turning up imagining they'd be welcome, which of course they wouldn't, unless they'd booked via AirBNB.


We've also had complaints from Millenials who live rough and have been unable to comprehend the concept of property ownership, so to keep the game relevant, we had to introduce the rule that allows them to sleep on the street between throws. The change to bitcoin came about after it was pointed out that although the tax refund a player may be lucky enough to get is likely to be typical of the maximum amount HMRC would refund, the chances of a landlord actually paying tax these days was nonsensical; and in any event, they prefer payment in Bitcoin as it's easier to transfer to a tax haven.


Hasbro explained they will be making further changes in future editions such as "Pay lawyer's fee to avoid death duties"; "You've been stabbed - miss a go"; "Drugs raid finds cocaine on your property - pay police bribe" and "Your healthcare insurance doesn't cover you - go to jail", although whether or not this card will be included will depend whether the Tory party remains in government at the time the edition is launched.



image from pixabay

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