Taylor Swift to headline EU debate

Wembley was the logical venue for what almost no teenagers are calling the ‘must have’ ticket of 2016 and what touts are referring to as ‘as popular as the clap’. Pop fans can expect two hours of steamy debate, with guest speakers expostulating to a jazz-funk fusion, bag-pipe grime and Lady Ga Ga has agreed to perform a medley of songs concerning fishing quotas and farming subsidies.

Likened to ‘Live Aid’ but on an issue where no one is starving, the event will have appearances from Boris ‘Limp Brexit’ Johnson and Michael ‘straight outta Brussels’ Gove – with an effigy of the Strasberg Parliament being burned and consumed by Iron Maiden’s ‘Eddie the Head’.

Peerages to be sold as timeshares

Following revelations that a peerage can cost as much as £100k in donations to the Conservative Party, senior Conservatives have proposed a timeshare system to democratise the institution.

'Most ordinary families can barely afford to heat their stables', a spokesman told us. '100k is quite a lot of spare cash to find. So we came up with the idea of revitalising the timeshare concept'.

Timeshare Lords – not to be confused with Time Lords – will be entitled to call themselves "Lord" or "Lady" for one month of the year. Months when the Lords are sitting will be more expensive as Lords will be able to claim expenses of £323 per day plus a first class rail ticket to London.

If the scheme goes well there are plans to let Ticketmaster create a secondary market in peerages for key debates and Christmas shopping trips, and possibly a corporate entertainment option.

Moscow-based spiv ‘Vlad P’ has expressed an interest in swapping ‘a number’ of peerages for missile defence systems, bullets and first aid kits, though he has made it clear that none of his MPs are up for sale.

Colin Farrell’s eyebrows and Keira Knightley’s chin to open acting school

They are two of the most successful acting body parts in Hollywood. Colin Farrell’s expressive eyebrows stole the show at The Banshees of Inisherin, even out-acting Brendan Gleeson’s bloody stump of a hand. Nobody could forget the tender angle they made as their human host cradled the body of his dead donkey, or the angry shape they formed as the human played by Farrell set Gleeson’s cottage ablaze.

Now Farrell’s eyebrows are to share acting tips with a new generation of thespians. They will be joined by Keira Knightley’s chin, which has wowed audiences in Pirates of the Caribbean and Love Actually, as well as that perfume advert where she wears a mac and gazes wistfully into middle distance.

The duo – who recently announced that they were splitting from their hosts due to ‘artistic differences’ – rejected an approach from Rachel Riley’s arse.

'It’s a lovely arse', said Farrell’s eyebrows. 'If I wasn’t just a pair of eyebrows I’d be up there like a rat up a pipe, but it doesn’t have the range we’re looking for. I’d like to see it in a romcom, maybe a dark tragicomedy set in Bruges or rural Ireland, something artistic like that.'

Keira Knightley’s chin was unable to comment on Rachel Riley’s arse as arse envy isn’t one of its emotions, though it did pout prettily for no apparent reason.

Image by Stable Diffusion