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Top Gear? Meh


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Waves of apathy greeted the new hosts, as the show plodded on with its derivative blend of car-porn and ambivalence to Health & Safety protocol. As edgy as blancmange, and just as white, apocalyptic predictions were confounded, as the same brand of laddish codswallop was streamed to our homes. With an anti-climax on par with Windows Vista and the last series of 'Lost'. One devoted fan complained: 'It wasn't anywhere near as racist as the original, although come to think of it neither was the original - I just remember it that way...a bit like the 1950s'.


A reviewer wrote: 'Its cars and blokes. Blokey cars. Car-ish blokes. It's...oh my God, who gives a sh$t! Is this my life? Is this seriously my life? I used to have hopes - dreams - a vague interest in light Opera. I can't bear it - the contrived Clarkson/Evans debate - it's eating my soul. Sarah? I want to come home. I want to see the kids. Can you forgive me?'



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Following the Fawlty Towers revival, Netflix announces an On The Buses reboot


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One of the worst-kept entertainment secrets has now been revealed. Netflix have commissioned a brand new series of the legendary 1970s sitcom. It is also confirmed that Emma Thompson has been appointed as Executive Director / Producer. At a media briefing she gushed:-



“On The Buses, (or OTB as us thesps call it!) was the drama series that inspired me to become an actress, and has formed the backdrop to my life, relationships and work ever since.



I have already approached my dear friend Salmy – Salman Rushdie of course – to write the scripts. He was a bit concerned that he has not written comic material before but I assured him that that never bothered the original writers.



My dear dear friend Stephen Fry has absolutely insisted that he has the part of the driver Stan Butler. He will of course bring the acumen and gravitas to the role that Reg Varney sometimes struggled to deliver. And as soon as the rumours circulated that this classic was in the pipeline, my phone didn’t stop ringing! I answered an early call and a voice screamed down the phone ‘I hate you Butler!’ I recognised it immediately - it was of course my dear dear dear friend Hugh Grant!! He was born to play the part of Blakey!!!”



Miss Thompson continued “we will of course ensure that the plots are brought bang up to date and reflect the 21st century. We now see Olive as a sexy, attractive, politically-savvy, intelligent, independent, compassionate and caring character. We haven’t cast the role yet but watch this space!” At this point reporters noted Miss Thompson simpering coyly.



Miss Thompson concluded “Netflix are already aware that cinema spin-offs of the series were amongst the top-grossing films of the 1970s. They have asked me to sketch out a full-length feature – working title ‘Transgender Strategies and Seating Arrangements On The Buses’”.

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