Sturgeon agrees to go to prison if Boris found guilty

A dishevelled and confused ex-SNP leader left custody. Police confirmed: 'A middle-aged Scottish woman was held for questioning over Brexit, Covid corruption and impregnating various aides. The fact she doesn't match the description of our chief suspect, is neither here nor there.'

Sturgeon's solicitor explained: 'We have agreed to a deal whereby Boris Johnson will not be prosecuted - but Nichola will. Yeah, I know it sounds like a sh$t bargain but quite frankly, I got a bit confused with all the legal jargon. What's Habeas Corpus anyway? Something about naked bodies, I dunno, I never went to law school.'

One suppoter of Mr.Johnson was ebullient: 'If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. And if you didn't do the crime, don't be ginger. That's as good as a confession.'

Witch-Hunters and Kangaroo Courts finally able to announce a success

Tired but elated witch-hunters and kangaroo court staff proudly proclaimed that after many years of failure, they have at last managed to bring a miscreant to justice.

'For all too long we have been widely derided for our failure to actually find any witches, or guilty kangaroos. Things suddenly improved when we decided to join forces and work together, cutting costs, improving efficiency and down-sizing our work forces.

'A SWOT analysis revealed that namby-pamby woke-inspired, EU-backed legislation forbade us from hunting witches, let alone burning them. Also the chances of us bringing to justice outside of Australia the world’s largest criminal marsupials was remote. Moving the goalposts to target incompetent lying buffoons was a natural next step.

One buffoon down, one to go. Although we feel confident that more will emerge in the coming years to keep us in business.'

Sturgeon's last stand?