Rich people not to be trusted with money

Ludicrously wealthy people are not to be trusted with money, it has emerged.

'But I want to put a solid gold didgeridoo inside a platinum trombone and then put that inside a diamond encrusted French horn, and then not let anyone blow it,' said rich people. 'Look over there. That's a foreign squirrel coming to take your job. You should hate them all for that.'

'You did that last time,' said poor people.

'No I didn't', said rich people. 'Here are some more very clever personages to tell you we never waste money and you should give us some more. Do you see how they pay for themselves?'

'Remember that empire thing where a handful of you owned half the world? Where's all the money you got from that?'

'It was cleverly invested in off-shore truffle tulips. You wouldn't understand. Now stop squandering your tuppence on eating beans to survive while I claim ownership of your feet.'

'You went to a casino last night and gambled it all on a magic goose, didn't you.'

'That's perfectly normal and what I have to do to survive in difficult times. Desperate measures call for desperate solid saffron toilets. You're impressed, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes. Your children think I'm fun and very charming. I want to buy your daughter. Tell her I'm a wealth creator and own all of the rainbows.'

'OK. But only if you promise not to copyright air.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/publicdomainpictures-14/

Clout warning level raised to ‘idiotic’

Stealing a march on the proposed ‘It’s a bit hot, maybe downgrade to a 12-tog cardie’ proposed "durr" warning system, government and law enforcement bodies issued the highest level Clout Alert across the country. ‘Civil unrest may have spread to orange paint spattered across the Chelmsford populace, and go-slow protests in Weston Super-Mare, neither of which have any discernible effect,’ said a police spokesperson, ‘But one regulation no British citizen would consider breaking is the eminently sensible ‘Ne’er cast a clout till May is out’. However, due to the second half of May surprising us all by remembering what the average temperature should be, people have been desperately casting clouts since early doors June 1st, with no thought to basic health and safety, let alone decency laws.’ Confusion has been exacerbated by no-one under the age of 147 remembering what a clout is, leading to hordes of naked pensioners frolicking across foundation-garment-strewn parks, and all manner of household goods being vicariously thrown from windows nationwide with more velocity than Boris Johnson changing his publicly-funded legal team. Blacksmiths are reporting unprecedented requests from folklorists convinced a clout is some kind of cast iron stable tool, with the traditional three unequal legs and simple pleated pixane, or bishop's mantle, collar. However since the last forge was turned into the inevitable hipster eatery last month, all they can offer is an artisan pine-needle foam drizzled over an anvil.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

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