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Results of next month's fair and democratic Russian elections announced by Putin



Vladimir Putin has today declared himself the winner of next month's fair and democratic elections in Russia. There is no Russian phrase for landslide victory as that might diminish Putin's impressive 107% victory. Some are suspicious of this margin as it is precisely the same amount he won by last time.


In an unusual move, several of the candidates standing against Putin have been graciously allowed to remain living. Unfortunately, however, two of them had to be withdrawn from the election as they were found guilty of being unacceptably popular.


Other candidates remaining in the race will continue to provide robust opposition. They have bravely stood up to Putin and have each declared that they are looking forward to their glorious leader's continued reign and their own miraculous acquirements of luxury yachts and subterranean Sochi penthouses.


The widespread dismay of -7% of Russian people will not be reported by independent state owned Russian media.


Biden: 'I remember fake moon landings just fine'


Questions about his deteriorating memory, have prompted the President to declare he has met Abraham Lincoln and that he played the lead in Gone with the Wind. When reporters challenged these recollections, he snapped: 'Who are you to question me? Seriously...who are you? Where am I? Nurse!'


Prosecutors say Mr Biden could not remember his son's death, yet in his defence, Mr Biden said he could not remember even having a son. His most recent memory lapses coincided with the ethnic cleansing in Gaza, although he never forgets to send more bombs.


False memories are often called the Mandela Effect - a phenomenon where Israeli & American leaders think Nelson Mandela loved apartheid. A spokesperson said: 'The President has not forgotten that genocide is bad, he's just chosen not to remember it.'


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