'Some people think we've been unreasonable, suggesting that to solve the GP appointment crisis they should use their pharmacist,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today. 'Did the PM mention his father was a pharmacist? Well don't bother asking him to help, he's the Prime Minister's dad, for goodness sake,' he added, noting that the Prime Minister's Father-in-Law also wasn't available for consults unless they involve multi-billion-pound government contracts.
Critics have suggested that pharmacists, while well qualified to count pills, mix medicines and search Google as well as any GP to explain a nasty rash on the end of an over-used penile extension, are also rather busy dispensing flu, covid and pneumonia jabs in lieu of GPs already at £50 a jab, and the public will have to wait several days if they want advice ostensibly for free. The government has, incredibly, another layer of solution - use eBay.
'eBay has everything you will need - steroids, topical creams, homeopathic solutions sold in tiny packages,' said the spokesman, adding, 'it has already revolutionised dentistry with all the tools needed to extract your own teeth readily available,' he said, adding, 'and don't forget the dark web - the government will provide access to that medium for people too lazy to wait four weeks to see a GP or ten weeks for an emergency operation,' he said.
In other news the government announced that in addition to selling off £50K ventilators for £150 a pop they are selling fully kitted ambulances for scrap. 'With our new initiatives it's unlikely anyone will survive long enough for an ambulance to arrive to pick them up, so why bear the cost of maintaining them?' asked a senior government minister.
Photo by Serkan Yildiz on Unsplash
