New conspiracy theory suggests Queen's 2012 Olympic parachute jump was fake

'Typical load of cobblers' a spokesman for the Palace stated. 'Probably concocted by some wretched republican halfwit.  The originator of this outrageous theory is liable to charge of treason, and imprisonment in The Tower.'

Slightly more credible is another conspiracy theory, which accepts that the Queen, obviously, did do the jump (she wasn't the kind of person who would duck out of a challenge, or willingly participate in any kind of deception) but that a stuntman had to take the place of Daniel 'James Bond' Craig. This was because the film company's insurers weren't prepared to underwrite the risk of exposing such a valuable actor to that degree of danger.

A member of the late queen's household later revealed that, in private, Her Majesty had subsequently described the event as 'A bit of a doddle, really.  It wasn't as if it was even pissing down with rain or anything.  I have a Prime Minister, remember, who can carry out any necessary public performances in the rain when needed.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Covid-19 so last year, says virus G4 EA H1N1.

China has identified a new flu strain that will soon have heads turning on the catwalks of Milan and stomachs churning in the bathrooms of Bognor. The new virus is destined to set hearts a flutter and temperatures racing; described as not so much the ‘new black’ as the new ‘Black Death’.

Followers of fashion are advised to throw out their old Coronavirus gowns and buy the new range of must-have PPE.  Developed by G4 EA H1N1, these tasteful ensembles include a figure-hugging hazmat suit, diamond encrusted mask and your very own Versace ventilator. 

Guaranteed to capture your imagination, along with your immune systems, the G4 EA H1N1 is set to sweep through Europe. One fashion editor described the new virus as ‘to die for’.

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Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

Paris 2024 treated the world to a spectacle of light, sound and mind-numbing boredom - with all the obligatory mime artists you could want. Not content with talking in French - everyone's worst second language - the Olympic hosts decided to showcase the million and one reasons why French art is so dull.

The torrential rain did alleviate some of the tension by soaking Olympic Officials and a bedraggled choir. While the highlight was seeing the competitors forced onto barges and hit by a water canon of excrement, from the River Seine.

The key to all French culture is to do it at a snail's pace, but with a face like a slapped arse. There seemed to be an awful lot of cosplay characters on skateboards and hula-hoopers in fetish underwear - but that is standard for any French day out. It was the glacial pace that did for may of the viewers, said one: 'I need a medal just for having watched it.'

Picture credit: Wix AI