Zelensky: putting the boot in on Putin

Two Tier Keir actually contains multitudes

Keir Starmer, recently voted Prime Minister and also voted the man most likely to be a regional manager for a medium sized logistics company, has been accused of implementing two tier policing.

Angry man Bob Bridlington shouted 'Nothing says I love my country – the bits with white people in anyway – like stealing bath bombs from a branch of Lush. It’s not like I stole actual bombs. All I did was commit a crime, with my face clearly visible on the recording I made and then posted to social media. Then I was arrested because Starmer deleted the Magna Carta and I had to plead guilty in court, so I'm going to jail. It's outrageous and it’s all Two Tier Keir’s fault.'

Lawyer Naveed Nasir said 'If black or brown people started smashing up town centres up and down the UK, there would be a shoot-to-kill order in 15 minutes. If they were Muslims, more like 15 seconds. And none of these white rioters have died in suspicious circumstances whilst in police custody. It's outrageous and it’s all Two Tier Keir's fault.'

A statement from 10 Downing Street pleaded for greater dullness. The statement acknowledged that the words 'Keir' and 'tier' did rhyme, but noted that Keir took a more responsible attitude to tiers than Boris Johnson or Liz Truss.

Labour intern Jodie Johnston added 'Sssh. The PM has finished reorganising his sock drawer and now he’s having his cocoa. That’s enough excitement for one day.'

Image: Wix AI

Invading Russia always works – just ask Napoleon

As Ukraine celebrates a bold strike across the Russian border, there is a slow realisation of 'lads, we may be f$cked'. As the Nazis and the concept of drinking less alcohol will attest, it is impossible to reach Moscow.

Observed one retired General: 'Russia is big. Really big. Think of the biggest distance you've ever walked and multiply it by a gazillion. That's how big Russia is. So if you invade, your troops get stretched out like a joke by James Corden. Your supply line looks like someone trying to hurl a loaf of bread from Belgium to Slough. And all the pesky Russians do is wait for winter to turn you into camouflage Popsicles.'

The incursion has shown Russia to be vulnerable but also not that bothered. Remarked one Russian soldier: 'We've plenty of land left, just think of all the Crimea we pinched last time. And while Ukraine is focused here, we'll be nipping round the back, and invading the Isle of Wight. Simples.'

Image: Wix AI