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Shadowy fence-panelling cartel behind all storms.





Evidence has emerged that the havoc wrecked upon the UK’s gardens, by severe gales, may have been premeditated. From their lair, on the dark side of the moon, evil fencing masterminds have aimed a weather ray-gun at the Earth. This secret device can create a gust of wind, so powerful, that it can level an area 5ft by 5ft – destroying hanging baskets, dislodging any wrought-iron heron and leaving your begonias in a state of carnage.


The bloody reputation of The Cartel has led to many a gardener waking up in bed next to a decapitated garden gnome. Your average storm can lead to months of regular work, for any two-man panelling team; with a monopoly on dip-treated, overlap panels of illegally trafficked Colombian lattice. Unsurprisingly the Cartel has won the tender for Trump’s border wall – having opted for a four-foot-high tongue and groove, with trellis for a rose bush.  




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Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, insists man


A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.




Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since early on day 1 of the Paris games, ranging from the gymnastics high bars ('ohhh, he’s just failed to plant that Katchev’), the skateboarding (‘the Brazilian was laying down 360s and alley-oop combos in practice this morning, no problem, but this Paris park is definitely skating slow’) and the BMX freestyle ('Jesus, did you see that – he had no hands on the bike!).




'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, now that’s a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.




'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the 10m synchronised diving. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.




'By day 12, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are where the teams are going to up the rate to 40 strokes a minute, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.




'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to the closing ceremony. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repechage'.


A New Life In the Sun special planned for people who've incited riots


Channel 4 is planning a special edition for people who've encouraged rioters. A Channel 4 spokesman explained;



"Most of the people who've thought it was a brilliant idea to promote rioting either live abroad or are planning to at very, very short notice, so it makes sense have a special edition for this, rather specialised, requirement.



One participant has caused confusion for the show's producers; "Let's call him Tommy R.", groaned a producer, "He's looking for a home in the EU where he'll be an immigrant. We finally realised it easiest to see what he's complained about and do that."


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