Walz-a-matter with you? Harris makes VP choice

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz waltzed away from several other contenders, to be named Kamala Harris’ running mate in the 2024 US Presidential election.

Others names widely considered to be on Harris' dance card were Steve Samba, Sandy “American” Smooth, Flavio Flamenco, Ricky Rumba, Caroline Cha Cha Cha, Quentin Quickstep, Jimmy Jive III, Trevor Tango and Pete Paso Doble, but Harris’ team have now told them to foxtrot off, before confirming to assembled journalists that Minnesota and minestrone are in fact different things. 

In other Vice Presidential candidate news, JD Vance has been banned from all branches of DFS.

Image: Pixabay/pixelia

'No conflict of interest, me interviewing my innocent wife'

'Why are you so lovely?' Ed Balls asked his wife, in ITV's hard hitting interview. The production crew audibly gasped at this brutal investigative line of questioning. The ex-Chancellor became increasingly rabid as he grilled Yvette Cooper (the current Home Secretary)with a follow up: 'Why do you smell of rose blossom and fart rainbows?'

With nationwide race riots, one would think you might want to ask the Home Secretary something more searching than, what do like about my hair? Oddly enough neither felt the need to mention that they had spent their careers attacking immigration. Instead they focused on the important topic of the day, where they should go on holiday.

Cooper felt some discomfort over the question as to whose turn was it to put out the bins? She repeatedly refused to answer where the TV remote was. Finally the tense interview finished with the Home Secretary storming off set to go home and make Ed Balls his tea.

Image: Pixabay/monicore

Post-event interviews with GB Olympians to include general knowledge round

Interviews with Olympic competitors conducted immediately after their event will now include general knowledge, science and geography questions, the BBC announced today, in an attempt to make the encounters slightly less toe-curling. 

The news comes after concerns were raised that interviewees were increasingly able to predict the inane questions they were going to be asked about how they were feeling, what the Olympics meant to them, or whether they could have done anything differently.

‘Some of the answers given by breathless and emotional Team GB athletes less then a minute after they’ve either just fulfilled their lifetime dream or had their expectations cruelly crushed in front of millions are remarkably similar’, said a BBC spokesperson. ‘Gave it everything I had, hasn’t sunk in yet, I just blew it, thanks for all the support back home. It’s as if they’re all copying each other. The format needs a total overhaul’.

‘Duncan Scott may be one of the most decorated GB Olympian at a single games, but can he tell us what’s the second highest mountain in the Andes, whilst still dripping wet, exhausted and unable to string a sentence together?’ said the spokesperson. ‘And Keely Hodgkinson may have just fulfilled her lifetime ambition at the age of 22, but does she know what the longest running musical theatre show is in the West End?’

Richard Osman has been brought in as a consultant to turn things into a workable quiz format. Rumours that former Going for Gold host Henry Kelly will soon be taking over from Matthew Pinsent, Sharon Davies and others in shoving a microphone in front of peoples faces are said to be unfounded.

Image: Pixabay/tumisu