Zoos reopen – 2 metre distancing from lions, just enough to give you a head start.

Boris Johnson has announced that safari parks will open on June 15th and insisted that a two-metre exclusion zone should provide the hungry lions with a bit of fun. Covid restrictions still mean you cannot take a giraffe to the cinema – primarily, as their head gets in the way.

One Zookeeper remarked: ‘I already wear a face mask when I’m around the chinchillas, as they hate bad teeth. I wash my hands twice after fondling a lemur, because they’re dirty little bastards. A strict two metre distance from the penguins, is safe but, hold on…lions, tigers and bears – oh my!’

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Racist riots just 'Olympic celebrations that got out of hand"

Reform UK, the political wing of the EDL, has tried to suggest that racist rioting in a variety of English cities is merely over enthusiastic support for Britain at the Olympics - hence all the Union Jack tattoos and balaclavas.

A spokes-goon shouted 'What better way to support our brave showjumpers, canoeists and divers than to set fire to a police station in Sunderland? Or smash up town centres across England?'

When asked if he would be watching black British athletes like Dina Asher-Smith and Zharnel Hughes the spokes-goon's face began twitching and he became visibily uncomfortable. 'I'm not... it's just... I... you know... I think I might be busy burning down a mosque in Liverpool that day. Someone told me that would be showing my support - as long as I wear a balaclava and don't show my face.'

A spokesman for Nigel Farage's office began fanning himself like a Southern belle, saying 'Well I do declare. Violence is not the answer. Unless it is directed at immigrants, in which case it's what we call "legitimate concerns", by which we mean please burn down a mosque. '

A distinctly Farage-sounding evil laugh, like Vincent Price at the end of Thriller, could be heard in the background.

image from pixabay

English riot season now well underway

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