Kate Winslet to keep shirt on for entire film

In a move set to outrage traditionalists, Kate Winslet is set to make an entire film without taking her shirt off.

”Yeah, I knew there’d be a fuss about this,” she told reporters at a press conference. “But it’s not gratuitous, the story demanded it. I am playing Mother Teresa, for God’s sake, there's just no way to work in a nude scene. And believe me, I pestered the director and screenwriter about it every day - I mean, she must have taken a shower occasionally, right? But they said no.

“But some of the comments I’ve read, suggesting I’ve finally realised it’s time to stop going topless in every film, are way off base. Just wait ‘til you see what I’ve just finished shooting: ‘Ann Widdecombe - The Early Years.’

“And before you all complain that Ann Widdecombe was never a Page 3 model - surely the film makes it clear that it’s a dream sequence?”

She then cut the press conference short, as she was booked to do a voiceover and needed time to get undressed first.

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All UK housebuilders in danger of collapse, says survey

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Leaked Memo Advises Republican Candidates to 'Tone Down' Support for Slavery

A recently leaked campaign consultant’s memo advises Republican candidates in America’s 2024 elections to ‘tone down’ their support for slavery, the catastrophic regime of violent race-based labor exploitation that tore the United States apart in the mid-19th century. ‘While most of us now recognize that slavery has acquired a negative connotation thanks to the unremitting smears of the woke abolitionist media,’ the memo states, ‘candidates need to understand that the issue remains a sore spot for certain key voter demographics.’

The memo advises candidates to refer to slavery using other less incendiary terms, such as ‘flexible remuneration’ or ‘insourcing.’ Candidates should avoid using the phrase ‘zero-dollar contracts,’ the memo notes, because the phrase ‘underperformed’ in focus group testing.

The leak comes in the wake of revelations that Mark Robinson, the Republican candidate for governor of North Carolina, has expressed support on social media for reinstating slavery. Robinson, who is Black, denies the assertion, which has been reported by numerous news outlets.

Robinson also denies having made a torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks on social media over the last decade attributed to him by several major news organizations. These denials come on the heels of his denials involving a more recent torrent of sexist, racist, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, antisemitic, and misogynist remarks.

‘You have to hand it to the guy, he’s thorough,' said a veteran North Carolina political strategist. 'As far as I can tell, he’s insulted just about everyone except left-handed people and Elvis impersonators,’

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