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Wes Streeting has outlined some of Labour’s plans for the much-needed reforms the NHS needs, and told Newsbiscuit that the clever use of technology will be a key feature in delivering these reforms.


“We’ve been talking to leaders in the fields of technology that people already possess, to ascertain how it can be integrated into proving them with better health outcomes and among these that phone manufacturers like Apple are keen to provide is the ability to use their phones to X-ray themselves with.” he said.


Mr Cook, Apple’s head chef, told us the technology has always been available on iPhone pro models, but they were holding back on unlocking it until the NHS became so dire under the Tories that people would be prepared to pay the unlocking fee, and of course upgrade to a pro model if they'd been silly enough to buy the shit versions.


Other NHS reforms being considered, is allowing Amazon to deliver healthcare treatment with online orders.


An Amazon spokesbot said “We have drivers delivering goods to every street in the country, every day of the year. It would be far more efficient to make use of our workforce to deliver healthcare as well, instead of the palaver people have getting GP appointments. People would just need to order goods to a value of £250 and tick the box requesting the driver gives you the once over when he calls. If the driver thinks you need medications, they would automatically be delivered by drone the same day.




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Sorry, not hamster, dog.


Sorry, not dog, dog whistle.


Very stable genius Donald Trump has attempted to make his claims about Haitian immigrants eating Ohio dogs appear slightly less insane. The clementine coloured crime committing conman clarified that he meant 'eating hot dogs', but forgot the 'hot' - in the heat of the moment.


Political junkie Piotr Polkowski said 'In Trump's defence... errr, I don't know.'


Trump also said immigrants were eating cats.


Polkowski noted 'Trump will grab pussy - we know that - but he cannot even imagine eating it. In fact, a second Trump term will see him try to ban women from deriving any pleasure from sex, because no woman has ever derived pleasure from having sex with him.'


'Ironically, for the other ban he'd like to enact, Trump is a one man argument in favour of abortion.'



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