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An NHS app aimed at limiting the spread of Coronavirus, is being trialled on the Isle of Wight; alongside transistor radios, the typewriter and toilets that flush. Despite this, the most effective way for the Islanders to lower death rates, is to stop burning witches.
The App itself will involve leeches and being dunked in the village pond. George, a VCR repairman from Ventnor, expressed his concern: ‘It’s all very well the Government telling us to use social distancing but how are we expected to visit the local apothecary to get our mercury and arsenic potions?’ Â
The island’s plague doctors offered this advice: ‘If you’re stuck at home, you can easily make a poultice from cow dung. Try to avoid other people, as they may have been exposed to the 21st century. At all times, cover your face with a Mummer’s mask. And wash your hands – only kidding – soap is the work of the devil!’
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Polar bears, the iconic leviathans of the Arctic, have decided to apply for membership in the European Union. The move comes amid rapidly rising tension in the planet's far north.
'Let's face it, we're kind of caught in the middle up here,' said Nanuq, Chairbear of the Polar Council, the bears' governing body. 'On one side we have a megalomaniacal dictator seeking to expand his territory by wholly unjustified brute force, and on the other there's Putin.'
Nanuq noted that the Council debated whether to seek NATO membership but concluded that 'the Bloated Orange Biped' would present an insurmountable obstacle. However, Nanuq seemed crestfallen when informed by a reporter that the EU in fact has no armed forces directly at its disposal. 'Well then what bloody good are they?' she sighed. 'I suppose we should have had someone read up on this before our vote.'
The polar bears' confusion comes as no surprise to Alfred Newman, Professor of Contemporary Ursine Affairs at the University of Svalbard. 'We offer the bears an annual seminar on understanding human politics, but we have yet to receive a single applicant,' he said. 'To be fair, I'd probably also rather be out hunting tasty seals than sitting through yet another dreary Zoom session.'