Make it all about TikTok, all the time, say news bosses

'There's a war in Ukraine, a ceasefire in the Middle East which could go either way, and the UK economy - which had been anaemic - is now flat-lining,' said a typewriter-thrower from the Society of Editors, 'but we are telling our journalists to make it all about TikTok, all the sodding time.

'There are parents, me included, who'd dearly like to give TikTok a fatal punch up the bracket for warping our kids' minds,' continued the typewriter chucker. 'But we are doing these minute-by-minute updates wondering what Trump thinks about TikTok, how the guy who runs it is attending his inauguration dinner, and whether this moronic thing in cyberspace with dance moves and episodes of Skibidi Toilet might survive in the US after all.

'We realise that this news story will both mystify and irritate anyone over the age of 55 and make them rather look forward to their deaths.

'But so does all the rest of news we're putting out. There's really no hope for throwbacks like that.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

As the Last Embers Died Away, ‘Chainsaw’ Chuck was Finally Rid of Those Pesky Kids.

Winner: Dick Everyman

Runners-Up:

"Living in a tent was worth it now that America is Great Again." (Sinnick);

"There's glamping, then there's camping, then what's the one below that?" (MrQ);

"Glumping." (Flash Arry).

Relief after 'big beast' metaphor saved from near-extinction

Lazy journalists around the country were breathing a sigh of relief today, after successfully reviving one of their most trusty go-to adjectives to describe aging, but still heavyweight Tory politicians.

Following Tory 'grandee' David Davis's call in Parliament on Wednesday for Boris Johnson to 'In the Name of God, Go', hundreds of sightings of the 'big beast' descriptor have been spotted today, from the broadsheet press and rolling news, to social media entries, and even on leading satirical news sites.

'It really has been a worrying time for lovers of the big beast metaphor', said Mickey Jones, seasoned hack and political writer at the Daily Mouthpiece. 'The House of Commons used to be full to the brim of big beasts, with Michael Heseltine, Geoffrey Howe, Michael Portillo and the like stalking round the chamber, with their distinctive mating calls, scratching their balls, and making their toilet all over the mace.'

'But appearances of big beast MPs have been rare in the last decade or so', continued Jones. 'Apart from the occasional alleged but unconfirmed sighting of Kenneth Clarke's Hush Puppies in the House.'

'A long-term programme by the Telegraph to promote Sunak, Hammond, Hunt and others to big beast status has been unsuccessful', continued Jones 'They're still total lightweights. However, whoever thought of the strategy of using Boris's incompetence as bait to bring the big beasts out of hiding is a genius - we can expect plenty more sightings over the coming days'.

Westminster Palace Of - Free photo on Pixabay

First published 20 Jan 2022

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Lego to Replace Bitcoins