Babycham is not making a comeback

Despite a culture in constant expectation of its imminent return as a fun, light, sociable tipple favoured by women, Babycham does not appear to be regaining popularity in 2025. The sparkling perry was a staple of the popular imaginations from that period in the 1970s where colour TV was a settled phenomenon through the 1980s when the masses also relaxed into the notion of wealth accumulation being the basic human sport. But it is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, a sort of fizzy fruit-tinged Ur alcopop redolent of those first steps into early adulthood, is available for purchase in the Asdas, Tescos, and Morrisons of this world, but is yet to make the massive inroads into Waitrose that comeback status demands. Just to repeat: Babycham is not making a comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. The drink, which Disney-magic-of-Christmas-like features a what appears to be female ‘baby’ deer on its oh-I’ll-just-grab-oneable label, served as a sort of free-heroin-wrapper-at-the-school-gates gateway drug into a world of mainly UK based alcoholic youthful coming out ceremonies. But it is yet to show signs of making a popular comeback.

Babycham is not making a comeback. Despite the products deft combination of green, glass, and alcohol, the public demands of stealthy drink from home and lie about your intake to friends and researchers consumption style of 2025 militate against Babycham’s markedly social dance-round-your-handbags-in-stillettos and talk face-to-face with other humans in reality drinking vibe. And so it is not making a comeback.

When reached for comment, a Babycham marketing and promotions firebrand quietly conceded that, ‘While we would maintain that Babycham continues to be a much-loved cornerstone of the UK alcoholic drinks market, we agree that Babycham is not yet at that promotional fork in the road that would indicate that we have made what could be termed a market comeback,’ all but confirming that Babycham is not making a comeback.

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New obesity drug Fatibumbum announced

Pharmaceutical firm Methpusha today announced the launch of a new drug to tackle the nation’s obesity crisis.

To be marketed under the brand name Fatibumbum, though its scientific name is Greggspasti, the new drug will work in an entirely different way to competing drugs already on the market.

“In the past, we’ve concentrated on mimicking the feeling of fullness, so people will eat less,” said company spokesman Shy Gadarene. “Unfortunately, our new parent company also owns a number of fast food franchises, so they weren’t too happy about that.

“So instead we’ve focussed on a drug that makes people ignore any advice that being fat is bad for them, or in any way undesirable.

“And it’s worked. In clinical trials, subjects who were given the drug were up to 50% more likely to use phrases like ‘If you listened to everything doctors say, you’d never do anything’ or ‘What does it matter? I might get hit by a bus tomorrow’. They also showed astonishing ability to avoid mirrors, and to convince themselves that they only need quadruple extra large t-shirts because they’re made in China ‘where people are smaller’.

“Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to make the pills taste nice. But they go down easily enough if you hide them in a Big Mac.”

Asked whether it wasn’t massively irresponsible to convince people it’s OK to be overweight when all medical evidence says otherwise, the spokesman said “Well who knows, maybe we’ll come up with another drug which means you can be obese without it being bad for you. We’re already working on one that prevents fat old men who take our anti-impotence pills having heart attacks during sex. We’re just losing too many customers.”

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Wicked Tories have stolen the economic growth lever, claim Labour

"We always said the Tories were vile and callous," said the Labour Party's chief economic strategist, "but we never thought they would stoop this low.

"When Rachel Reeves and I were together at the London Playschool of Economics, the classroom assistants would tell us tales of an economic growth lever which stood in the enchanted garden behind Number 11, Downing Street.

"They said that anyone who pulled it during a recession, and tapped their heels together thrice, could start a boom which would make every business in the UK a world-beater, and every citizen as rich a wealthy and contented homeowner.

"Imagine our horror! Once we'd freed the land of 14 years of Tory rule and entered the chancellor's residence, we poked around in the shrubbery but could find no trace of it.

"We can only imagine that the evil Conservatives have squirrelled away the growth lever in their lair in Matthew Parker Street. Even worse, they never pulled the growth lever themselves - undoubtedly because they've always wanted the UK to be poor and bankrupt.

"Rachel told her fellow elves in cabinet that she would be confronting the Tories with their rotten deeds in the Commons. However, Prime Goblin Starmer told her she needed to keep really quiet about magic levers and enchanted gardens in public, for fear it would make Labour look even dafter than it did already."

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