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Speed Shakespeare gets rave reviews



A ground-breaking performance of Shakespeare's Richard Third opened to rave reviews in London tonight. The performance lasted only seven minutes, which was hailed as an unofficial world record. In other ways the performance was completely conventional, in that it did not diverge from the original script in any way.


The archaic phrases of the original work were spoken in a form of language and accent that would have been recognised in that era, and no compromise was made for those members of the audience who may have been unfamiliar with the Bard's original words.


However, the speed of delivery was far in excess of the relaxed pace that historians say was customary at the time. Anyone who may have encountered the great author for the first time would be forgiven for failing to catch a single word of the dialogue. In fact, even seasoned veterans were caught sneaking a look to catch up with the place in the story. Anyone new to the performance had no hope of picking up the subtle ideas or the deep insights inherent in the play.


All this is unimportant, said the producer, Tim Swiftly-De-Liver. "Oh anyone can understand Shakespeare" he proclaimed. "It's the universal language. It speaks to all people, at all times, in all situations" he said hand-wavingly. "And this way you get to the pub before last orders"





Starmer caught getting Deep Throat on the side



Our sneaky PM has been discovered to have experienced illicit vocal techniques during Lockdown. While others had to struggle with no contact from their beloved vocal coaches and acting teachers, Sir Keir was out getting the full Method, with a breathing exercise that would leave him gasping for more. Reports suggest he even spent Xmas Eve manipulating his tongue in a steamy one on one.


Passing the voice class off as essential work, Sir Keir refused to take questions on the matter - unless it could be done in iambic pentameter. His wife also remained tight-lipped, partly because she thought he had just popped out for milk.


Quite who is leaking these reports is unclear, either they are from an ambitious rival or an angry theatre critic. A Cabinet colleague remarked: 'Awkward, nasal, shifty - and that's after the vocal training!'




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