In echoes of Norman Tebbit

Welfare reform: parents to be responsible for their kids until they are 30

The government has today announced a further initiative to reform state welfare provision. In future, the government will make parents legally and financially responsible for their children until they reach the age of 30.

This means adults under 30 will be expected to live at home if they cannot afford their own place, and they will not be eligible for any state benefits.

‘Everyone thinks kids are cute,’ said a spokesman, ‘until they are old enough to have mobile phones and get stroppy.  Then it gets tougher.  We want to reinforce the responsibilities of parents in starting a family, and we want to avoid feckless Gen-Z snowflakes from clogging up the benefit system.  It’s costing us a fortune.

‘Parents usually know how to keep their kids in line – the naughty step, being grounded, star charts, removal of their bedroom door, etcetera – so we think that this is very doable.  It will also give the children a tremendous incentive to get jobs and earn enough money to get their own place.  There is only so much outdoor sex that you can have before you get caught.’

‘This will avoid all the tedious arguments about whether state benefits should cover one, two or three streaming services, for example.   And disagreements about whether the state should pay for Frosties and Cocoa Pops and Ready Brek and Multigrain Cheerios.  In future, all those discussions can be settled by the parents.  We respect that fact that different parents will reach different decisions. That’s quite acceptable in a democratic society.’

The initiative will generate massive savings on the welfare bill and ease pressures on social housing.

The government is also considering if children should be responsible for their elderly parents, once they are older than 75. This could generate big savings on the cost of care homes. This further initiative would provide a helpful counterbalance to the new policy on parental responsibility.  Parents would need to be reasonable with their children under 30, or they could face retribution once they are over 75.

Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash

Bookies odds on Donald Trump’s next big surprises

Donald Trump continues to outwit the bookies, with a series of moves that no-one saw coming. Like sacking the head of the army, calling Zelensky a dictator, voting with Russia in the UN and lying his face off in front of Emmanuel Macron. If you’d predicted all those things, then an accumulator bet would have made you very rich.

So, if you fancy your chances, bookies are offering good odds on the next bizarre moves by the orange man baby. Here’s a quick rundown:

5-4 odds:   Trump claims Australia (and all its minerals), saying that all native Australians are descended from Native Americans who crossed the pacific in small boats in the 12th century.

2-1:  Trump reintroduces segregation. This time it is for non-Americans, especially Mexicans and Canadians, and for anyone who is LGBTQ. Planes, trains and buses must have separate seats, toilets and in flight snacks for true Americans.

5-2:  Trump amends the US Constitution to allow him a third term. And a fourth. And a fifth.

3-1:  Trump refuses to assist LA after the devastating fires, saying that it was all due to Democrat policies.

4-1:  Trump demands that the firstborn in each household is slain. For non-American households only, obviously.

5-1:  Trump starts holding all meetings naked, saying that nakedness is simply a logical extension of free speech

6-1:  Trump nominates himself to be the next Pope and/or to be America’s first king

10-1:  Trump and Putin agree to share the moon, and tell India and China that they already owe the US a considerable amount in parking fines and penalties for the abandoned space vehicles up there.

12-1:   Trump demands, and is given, the Oscar for best President.  JD Vance gets best supporting President.

14-1:  Trump demands a rematch against the Sioux and Arapahoe tribes in Battle of the Little Bighorn 2, and that this is filmed for Netflix

15-1: Trump sells Truth Social to Elon Musk for billions

16-1:  Trump tries to sell Jordan (the country) to Syria

1,000,000-1:  Trump stops lying and being a git and apologises for everything