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Danny Dyer to join Starmer’s US negotiating team



This morning the Prime Minster announced that Danny Dyer will be joining his US trade negotiating team. Starmer said “In films Danny Dyer has proved himself adept at working in environments populated by poorly educated sociopaths, therefore Trump’s Whitehouse should be easy for him to deal with.”


Sir Keir went on, “Negotiating with them won’t be easy though, they are a very tough, but no tougher than the Millwall were outside the Bell-End Pub, and besides JD Vance is not expected to be tooled up, other than by carrying a laptop.” Danny Dyer has been warned in advance not to offer 'marching powder' during the discussions because Trump doesn’t do drugs and Sir Keir has very limited nasal passageways.


image from pixabay


Starmer's Charge of the Light-Weight Brigade



With a rallying call, like a goose farting in the fog, Field Marshall Starmer summoned his EU counterparts. With a coalition of the whining, he pitched a four point plan, where all four points were 'hope Russia surrenders'. Reading from the back of a fag packet he quoted:


'Half a league, half a league -' As aide whispered something in his ear. 'Really? Six hundred miles to Moscow? Not half a league?' The aide shook his head. Starmer restarted. 'Into the valley of victory, with absolutely zero casualties - What, what is it now?' The aide whispered. 'What do you mean valley of death? Do you know nothing about optics? Don't interrupt. Now where was I? Into the valley of victory rode £6bn for money laundering purposes. Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left...hmm, are you sure this isn't a cover of Stealer's Wheel?'


image from pixabay



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