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Scientist: Cats are ginger because they are f$ckers

Researchers across two continents have discovered that ginger cats have the regressive 'moody f$cker' gene. DNA samples reveal 9 out of 10 ginger cats will bite your finger while trying to get a DNA sample.


Gingers are missing a section of their genetic code which makes them give a $hit what you think. This has been replaced by the gene that makes you howl all night like a horny beast, while taking a dump in the neighbour's rose bed.


It also changes the colour of their hair follicles, with orange making them standout from other cats. Although one bleeding scientist remarked: 'As if the growling and crazy eyes were not enough of a give away.'




Lord Lebedev identified as third man in flowerpot ring



The Cambridge spy ring, the flowerpot men, has long been considered to have had a third unknown spymaster who had pulled their otherwise obvious strings.


As spy detectives from MI5 have said, 'we knew the flowerpot men were undercover Russian spies all along, with their plummy accents speaking secret code on primetime BBC pretending to be two characters with an affinity for pot and talking rubbish. Obviously this indicated they were aiming at infiltrating the Conservative Party, probably aiming to get the top job. We used GCHQ to analyse their August 20th 1965 broadcast and the supercomputers came up with the following string of words that are clearly codes for the Russians: "flob a dob, flob a dov, lord lebedev, flob a dob, weeeeeeeeeeeeeed". At the time it didn't make sense, but once the Prime Minister fast tracked Lebedev into the House of Lords it became pretty clear. We've got a right dickhead in charge. And Lebedev's the third flowerpot man.'



First published 16 May 2022



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Copy of Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





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