A Sunderland man promised tough new targets on items going in and out of his 4-shelf household Hotpoint freezer today, in a clear the air summit with his wife over the domestic division of labour.
Steve Vickers, 36, pledged to reduce the number of individual items to 'hundreds', committed to a deep clean of the bottom tray, and aimed to implement a system of chucking fish items out after the recommended three months - only if he retained control over freezer duties in future.
'A combination of cheap pieces of cod from the Baltics, 3 for 2 offers at Asda on Ben and Jerry's, and your annual commitment in January - never followed through, I might add - to eating more Quorn have created unsustainable pressure on the shelves', argued Vickers defensively to his wife. Responding to the charge that the freezer door wouldn't shut properly, he announced that 'what is needed is a root and branch review and one of them big retro Smeg freezers, like Dave and Nicky have next door.'
'Steve has no credibility on freezers', sighed his wife Samantha. 'The main problem is all that random 'meat' in there from the raffle him and Dave won down the King's Head - why are we storing it all?
'His record on household chores is dreadful,' added Samantha. 'He does bins, admittedly, but Jesus, does everyone know about it when he does. Mansplaining about which plastics can be recycled does not constitute a coherent plan for getting this house into shape. In the time that it takes him to deliver his classic stump speech about being 'tough on grime, tough on the causes of grime', I've cleaned the bathroom, done three loads of washing and emptied the dishwasher.'
Image credit: Wix AI
Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.
‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’
Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.
Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.
Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.
Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.
First published 27 May 2023
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |