A much-loved and popular store near you is closing soon. Loyal shoppers are devastated and say that the closure will have life changing consequences.
The closure is thought to be because the company is in trouble, or because the lease has ended, or because people don’t buy that sort of stuff any more, or because they are relocating to larger or smaller premises, or because of shoplifting, or because there was a cannabis farm in the roof. The store is expected to cease trading later this year, or possibly next year.
We contacted staff members who were gutted by the closure plans. Jezza, who has worked at the store for a number of weeks, says that of all the minimum wage jobs he’s had, this is definitely one of them. He asked us not to mention the company products stuffed up his jumper, and said that he’d been asked to take them home for testing.
We contacted the company for comment, but their company policy is not to comment. They did, however, comment that they have lots of branches and that there will still be a number of stores nearby. They also said that store closures do happen fairly frequently, and the local media’s obsession with running stories about them was driving everyone at the company slightly nuts.
Colin, a shopper who has lived locally for 70 years, says that he is a big fan of the company’s products and that he finds them very useful. He used to shop at the store every day, up until the restraining order. He says that the journey to the next nearest store is not difficult, although he can’t shop there either, for reasons that he wouldn’t disclose.
Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash
Republicans, vilifiers and hypocrites across all the states who consider reciting “footprints in the sand” a reliable form of contraception are demonstrating their commitment to ‘every life matters’ by opening their lives and McMansions to thousands of unwanted babies.
'It’s only right, drawled Ohio Senator’s wife Mindy Windfall, her arms full of Pottery Barn bassinets. 'Having forced millions of women into the physical and emotional distress of carrying babies they are in no position to raise to an unimaginably traumatic full term, we accept it’s our responsibility to care for them after that.
'I myself am hopin’ to be assigned some premature babies complete with prenatal drug dependency; possible severe developmental issues due to familial rape. I think that’ll be just peachy.'
Other charitable matrons from newly-formed women’s group ‘Republican Visionaries In Landmark Empathy’ (ReVILE) are already rolling up their couture sleeves and taking direct action in “invigorating” deprived neighbourhoods like Millington, Tennessee, and Wooster, Arkansas.
'It’s only fair we downsize some of our privilege to help women access a smidgeon of the education, resources, healthcare, respect, self-worth and agency we take for granted - gosh, that is quite a list, isn’t it?' pondered charity polo supremo Ginny Blueblood, delicately picking her way between bloodied syringes and lost hope. 'It’ll be tough, but my husband and I can probably manage with 25 rooms instead of 75. I think that kind of sacrifice will really help us empathise with these ladies’ situations.
'Sadly, Bob was called away to pick up his secretary. She’s devoted to him; confidentially, I think all those late-night meetings have given her that cute bit o' belly-fat. He says those couple of days away at the health farm have worked wonders. Originally it was conveniently just out of town, but due to administrative complications he had to take her over the border. Luckily there was a private airfield: the Good Lord provides.'
Image from Pixabay by MarkThomas
First published 28 June 2022
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