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Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle



From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson


Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion.


'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.'


The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for their tendency to attach themselves to large shipping vessels, often causing significant drag and slowing the progress of everyone on board.


'There is no indication that the Keir Starmacle has ears and is swayed by outside noise,' continued Simpson. 'To all intents and purposes it appears utterly lifeless, but good luck removing the bugger.'


Concerned Whitehall residents are exploring all options to remove the unsightly crustacean, and this afternoon Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham were seen leaving a local Screwfix holding a high-powered pressure washer.



Image credit: perchance.org


World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns



By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.


In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’


With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’



First published 13 May 2022


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