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Bibby Stockholm : the welcoming speech in full



'I would like to extend the hand of friendship to our 500 new neighbours in their temporary home moored such a short distance from the mainland they have struggled so hard to reach. I would also wish that all 427 of them will be comfortable with their on-board accommodation and dockside facilities.'


'It is my belief that these 350 odd new Portlandians will be inspired by our world-class sailing set-up and water-sports activities, and that many of the 287 would-be citizens will be impressed with the public and private transport links that provide access to local - and not so local - commercial and historic sites which this area of the country has in abundance.'


'I am sure that the 197 residents of the Bibby Stockholm will find their stay liberating, fruitful and satisfying, and that many of the 80 or so 'guests' will make a significant impact on our little island community before moving on to greater things.'


'In conclusion, may we open our hearts to these couple of dozen souls whose journey to this country has been perilous indeed, and wish that this bare handful of brave individuals will ultimately achieve their goals.'


'As a last gesture, I would like to present a plaque marking the occasion to our new friend Tariq - oh, he's gone'


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First published 26 Jul 2023


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Trump to bomb Oman, but in a good way


The whole Strait of Hormuz thing is a massive, horrible mess, and it makes Donald Trump look like a LOSER. Which is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen, and threatens his re-election for a glorious third term.


But the American President has a solution. He is offering to bomb Oman and the United Arab Emirates – but in a good way.


Bombing the UAE and Oman will save the Iranians a lot of trouble. And bombing in a planned and precise way will mean that the UAE and Oman won't need to use up their valuable anti-missile missiles. Sounds mad? Don't worry. There is some logic to Trump's latest fever dream. The plan is to precision bomb a new waterway from the Strait of Hormuz to the Arabian Sea, so that oil tankers won't have to go past Iran.


'Digging would be way too slow,' said the President, in a rare moment of clarity. 'We can't dig a new waterway in time for the mid-term elections. Bombing will be quick and effective. We still have loads of bombs – good solid American bombs - and we're making new ones all the time. The rumours that we are running out of bombs are fake news. We'll use American shock and awe to build a new canal in record time.


'I'll be explaining my plan to the Sultan of Oman and also raisin it with the UAE. I reckon that they will be right on board. All of that land is just sand and no use for anything, not even golf courses. Once we've bombed it all out, we can scoop up the sand and make sandbags. Everyone in the Middle East wants to buy sandbags these days. We're going to clean up.


'I'm calling the new waterway the Donald J Trump Liberation Canal. It'll be great. And I have no doubt that the UAE and Oman will be happy to pay me back in full for the costs incurred.'




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