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Popcorn shortages as nation sits back to watch Tories implode



Britain has an eerie, deserted feel as people increasingly stay home to scroll through social media for the latest catastrophe to befall the Conservative Party. Sales of popcorn are at an all-time high, leaving cinemas depleted of their favourite snack.


'I felt a bit ghoulish waiting for news of that submarine’, said one former Conservative voter, ‘but it's nothing compared to what's happening to the Tories. Maybe they’ll get lucky and it’ll be a sudden catastrophic death, eh?’


The bookies have stopped taking bets on the outcome of the next General Election but they’re doing a roaring trade predicting which catastrophic event will act as the coup de grace. Odds below:


Boris Johnson arrested – 1/10


Fraud Squad investigate PPE procurements; Minister claims money was just ‘resting in his account’ – Evens


Rishi Sunak has nervous breakdown live on air and shoves pencils up his nose – 3/2


Suella Braverman experiences ‘will of the British people’ and finds herself stranded in Rwanda – 2/1


It isn’t all bad news. The team which brought us The Crown has started work on The Clown, an account of the last few years at 10 Downing Street. ‘It has all the intrigue and drama of the Royal Family but none of the class’, a spokesman said. ‘We’re having a lot of fun casting people as Nadine, Jacob and of course Boris. Episode 7 – working title: Bunga-Bunga – will knock your socks off’.


Conservative Central HQ looked much the same as ever, apart from a 'Do Not Resuscitate' notice which has been pinned to the front door.


image from pixabay



First published 3 Jul 2023


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Met Office issues bland weather warning



As the heatwave recedes, the Met Office has issued a rare, bland weather warning for most of the UK. A bland weather warning means there is a danger to motivation with many people saying they can’t be bothered going into work and describing it as if someone has lain a damp unwashed dish cloth over their hopes and aspirations.


'The area affected by the bland weather warning can be seen in beige, shown here as a pale sort of yellowy, sandy, grey, almost like an off-white,' explained BBC weather forecaster Tomasz Schafernaker. 'Temperatures are expected to peak at around 16 or 17 degrees centigrade, unusually low for this time of year.'


The Met Office has also declared the weather for the final week of June as the most boring recorded since records began. But when asked to check the earlier records the staff in question responded, 'Can’t this wait, it just feels too dull out there, it’s like there’s a grey sheet over everything, it feels muggy, but also like it might rain, and I feel tired, like I’m coming down with something…'



Image credit: deep dream generator (which clearly doesn't understand thermometers)


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