Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

Hackers say they have stolen the pictures, names and addresses of around 8,000 Nursery Land characters including The Master, the Dame and the Little Boy who lives down the lane.

The gang of cyber criminals is using the highly sensitive information, such as 'who sells sea shells on the sea shore', to demand a ransom of golden eggs, silver nutmegs and bags of wool.

The criminals say they also have information about the construction of many of the buildings including houses built of straw, stick, bricks and, in one case, gingerbread and sweets.

Newsbiscuit has contacted Old King Cole for comment, but has not had a response.

Cyber-security expert Little Boy Blue described the targeting as 'an absolute new low' and immediately blew on his horn to warn others..

Another expert, Jack Horner, suggested people should: 'Sit in the corner' for safety

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary said her family had received an email from the hackers, who told them they knew exactly how her garden grew.

'It was all very professional and well-written, no spelling mistakes or anything like that,' she said.

The hacking group responsible for the claims appears to be relatively new. It is believe to be from the Hamlin area of Germany, and calls itself 'The Pied Piper'.

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Cockroaches hang themselves during Trump UN speech

An address from the US president has been so vacuous, rambling, incoherent and oozing with utter drivel that even the cockroaches couldn't take it any more.

'Look, I know we've got this reputation for surviving anything,' said a spokesroach, 'but compared to that, we'll take nuclear Armageddon any time.

'The moment that massive custard-topped clementine appeared, Cherry had had enough already. She chewed three of her own legs off and then beat herself to a pulp with them. Yellow pus everywhere. Hey, what females do with their own bodies is up to them.

'Then Horace started gnawing away at solid concrete. Someone tried to point out to him that concrete constitutes brunch for us roaches, but he pressed on taking out an inch of a pillar all the way through until the top section came down perfectly onto the bottom section like a pile driver, pancaking himself out of existence.

'I have to say, it was an impressive feat of precision engineering.

'Antennae went down right across the room. It became clear what we had to do, and we just got ourselves organised. Eddie rolled out a cotton reel and, well, he's our journalist, so we don't know what happened after that.

'Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to take a bath to sort myself out. The sweet relief of sulphuric acid.'

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Millions fooled by 'Nigel Mirage' say British geographers

'In our recent travels across the toxic landscape of British politics,' said a spokes-compass for the Royal Geographical Society, 'we have encountered a remarkable new phenomenon which we have named the 'Nigel Mirage'.

'A Nigel Mirage occurs when the leader of Reform announces what seems from a distance to be a radical and ruthless new policy proposal but which, when you get closer to it, suddenly disappears.

'For example, we saw Nigel claim that he would cut off welfare payments to migrants and save the Treasury £260 billion a year. But on closer inspection, it turned out there were hardly any categories of people that Nigel could actually take money away from, so the idea dissolved into thin air.

'Similarly, with Reform's schemes for mass deportations to El Salvador and Afghanistan. They loomed up in the shimmering distance, looking like monumentally important party policies. However, at the precise moment that Nigel started getting cross-examined in press conferences, these schemes magically vanished. All you could see in their place was Nigel shaking his head while claiming to have been misquoted by the media.

'The strange thing,' said the RGS spokes-atlas, 'is that moderate voters believe Nigel when he tells them that these hardline policy ideas were mere tricks of the light, and that he's actually a moderate guy.

'However, for voters on the hard right, these Nigel Mirages stick in the head and continue to look very real indeed. These voters carry on having the clear impression that if Reform gets into power, it will let migrants starve and then throw them out of Britain.

'It's almost as though,' the spokes-trigpoint mused, 'the Nigel Mirage was designed to work that way.'

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