Scientists discover link between orange makeup and sociopathy

US Scientists have discovered a causal link between the excessive use of orange make up, especially haphazardly applied to the face area, and sociopathy. They will announce later that members of the public should be extremely cautious of those displaying the obvious symptoms of clownish, almost childish, excessive application of orange makeup as they are a danger to society and should not be approached, trusted or smelt.

The scientists claimed on Monday that applying the makeup, colloquially known as 'madslap', 'is no good' and that people should 'fight like hell' to avoid these people, not listen to their insane ramblings and encourage them to get the help they need after a 'bloody good wash'.

Health officials in the UK have stressed that 'madslap' is a dangerous substance and discouraged experimentation and it tends to lead to propensity for extremist, self serving bouts of loud nonsensical proclamations and the urge to go to port towns and point forlornly at boats.

The manufacturer of 'madslap', officially known as 'wotsit sunrise' have said that 'studies that have been conducted in the past, show no clear evidence that proves a direct relationship between the prudent use of wotsit sunrise and any psychotic episodes or a blind rage focussed on people not of your race. This is all fake news pushed forward by the MSM, libtard, woke, radical leftists. Thank you for your attention to this matter.'

Image: WixAI

'Trump's coming along well,' says proud Putin

'My protege Donald is a model oligarch,' an admiring Vladimir Putin told his house-trained hacks in the Kremlin press corps.

'The way he destroyed Jimmy Kimmel's career was right out of the Goblin Vladimir playbook.

'A comedian mocks you and your allies for taking advantage of someone's death to smear your opponents. What you don't do is go charging in there trying to arrest the guy, because everyone will play the hero and defend him to the hilt.

'So you secretly work on the TV corporation which airs the show, threatening to confiscate its broadcasting licence and to stall on approving its merger request.

'Then you leave it to the board of directors to make their own, totally independent, decision to sack Kimmel for exercising his right of free speech.

'Since the people who own America's media care more about money than freedom, within a matter of months you'll have every one of them in your pocket, just like I have.'

'If you ever wondered what Trump and Putin chatted about in the presidential car in Alaska with no civil servants listening,' said a White House Stepford wife, 'then now you know. He's been learning all that FSB greaseball stuff.

'And you can judge for yourselves just what a grip we've now got on the media in our country after seeing how all the US journalists cravenly stood up and applauded Mr Trump during his state visit to the UK.

'Actually, that was a bit too obvious,' the spokes-robot continued. 'We'll have to order these slavish minions to dial it down a notch.'

'Trump's slavish minions gave him a standing ovation, did they?' roared an incandescent Putin at his press conference in the Kremlin. 'Right, on your feet, you miserable muzhiks! I want relentless clapping for half an hour minimum!'

Image: WixAI

Israel attacks another country, to keep itself in practice

'It had been a good 24 hours since we'd done something truly despicable, like bombing a hospital in Gaza,' a spokes-F16 for the IDF told ashen faced reporters.

'Everyone in the war cabinet was sitting around, wondering what to do next to maintain our coveted position of Pariah Nation of the 21st Century.

'Then the Minister of Health said 'I know! Why don't we launch a strike into Lebanon, killing and wounding a bunch of civilians? We haven't done that for some time.'

'So we bombed Lebanon, and that kept us on the front pages of the international press for a bit, given how we had - once again - exhibited a truly callous disregard for human life.

'Then the next day they were all sitting around and scratching their heads again.

''I know,' said the Minister for Overseas Aid. 'Why don't we have a good go at impoverished Yemen again? Just like the old days? Really make it suffer.

'Next, we're thinking of launching a pre-emptive strike on Tehran, just to keep our hands in,' continued the spokes-jet.

'I mean, we wouldn't want our bomber pilots getting out of practice, would we? We might need them for a real war.'

Image: Kyle Glenn (@kylejglenn) | Unsplash Photo Community