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Trump demands ceasefire between Burnham and Starmer


The President, visibly strained, released a statement urging calm, dignity, and the immediate cessation of Starmer's interpretive eye-rolling since Burnham won the Makerfield by-election. While neither man has formally declared any kind of war, they have stopped exchanging Christmas cards. Burnham agreed in principle to a ceasefire but insisted that it must recognise historic grievances about who has the most coiffured side-parting.


Both parties refused to sit at the same table, instead conducting negotiations via passive-aggressive memes. Burnham escalated tension by unveiling a 47-page document entitled Why I hate Starmer, consisting largely of annotated WhatsApp timestamps. Trump is reluctant to give his support to either side, while JD Vance is said to favour Wes Streeting—as a comic interlude.


The President issued a stern warning about dangerous rhetorical escalation, which both men interpreted as tacit support for using the "C" word. As he convened an emergency summit; both men agree not to refer to each other as "the bland one" for a period of 24 hours. Talks nearly succeeded when both agree on a shared dislike of Trump’s mediation style, but collapsed again when they argue over who wanted to be his poodle more.





‘Master Race’ regrets choosing representatives from the bargain bin


A spokesman for the Master Race has apologised to the press for some of the race’s recent representatives.


‘Okay, a few of them look like they had difficult births. Some did, to be fair. And yeah, there’s always one at a rally in a weird suit with 1940s hair who looks like his Mum still makes his sandwiches. And none of them can punctuate, spell or use English grammar. But that doesn’t mean they don’t represent Engerland, the greatest race the world has ever seen’.


Master race enthusiasts have launched a recruitment drive to attract members with jobs and teeth, preferably family men who don’t need to dress up as Spider-man because their kids have been taken away. It isn’t going well.


‘There’s a lot of competition’, the spokesman said. ‘The happy ones don’t feel the need to show the world how superior they are, and as for the disillusioned, the embittered, life’s failures – well, the ones who can write go to PE Teacher Training College. That leaves us with – you can see what it leaves us with. A good bunch of lads, ready for a ruck, but not exactly PE teacher material’.


Are you a member of the Master Race? Are you inexplicably free during the working day? Well-balanced and psychologically stable yet enjoy throwing bins at police officers? Maybe you could volunteer at a far-right party in your neighbourhood. PE teachers and other woke intellectuals need not apply.









Touring mime troupe vanishes


Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening.


Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were still 'mucking about' when they went missing.'


Town Mayor Harold Mitten said that the Hear-no-Evil Mime Troupe had been invited to town for the annual Stokely-on-the-Wey Husking Festival. He said that the Council knew about the troupe solely through what they had seen on the troupe’s website, which contained only photographs and film clips.


Chief Constable Cecil Wheathrop commented, 'It was difficult to get a clear picture of what transpired because most of the members of the audience had lost interest in the performance shortly after it commenced.'


Mrs Jean Aintree said, 'I brought my children with me, and I was extremely disappointed to see that when the mimes performed the classic 'trapped-in-a-box' routine, they relied on a huge cardboard box instead of the customary illusion of a glass-walled box. At that point we stopped paying attention.'


Weaththrop added, 'Based on eyewitness testimony, it is possible that the troupe didn’t actually disappear: they may have merely dispersed; in any event, we still have seen neither hide nor hair of them, and needless to say, we have heard nothing from them.'




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