Following White House ballroom Trump unveils further US construction projects

Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place.

Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain.

'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.'

'Right, listen up guys, my statue is going to be really great. A beautiful thing. People are already saying it's going to be the best and most beautiful statue on the planet. They're saying that. Yes they are. Everyone's saying it. True.

'But my plans won't change anything. And anyway, The Statue of Liberty is a disgrace. An ugly monstrosity of some dame covered in mildew and other crap. It's good riddance.'

When pressed on what the new installation will be called Trump said: 'We're not sure on a name yet. Some are suggesting it should be called "Most Glorious Trump Monument", and if that's what the public vote says then who am I to stand in the way of the people? We'll see soon enough after I get the ballot rigged.'

Preliminary drawings show an imposing likeness of Trump covered from top to bottom in gold leaf. On his head is a red baseball cap crafted from rubies, with the letters MAGA depicted across the front in pure uncut diamonds. 

Replacing the desk phone back on the receiver Trump added, 'Wow, that little guy is so goddamn needy. Tomahawks my ass. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I have many great construction plans for America. Next up after my statue we're starting work on filling in the Grand Canyon to build five thousand golf courses each with a 7-star hotel. It's gonna be the golfing capital of the world. FACT.'

image from grok

Government miss 1.5million housing target by 1.6million

Nothing could hide the government's embarrassment, when they discovered they had less houses then when they started. The Minister explained. "Once we'd factored in all the repossessions and accidently demolishing a few, it turns out were missing around 100,000 – it's possible they might have ended up as landfill.

"Coupled with the PM's houses being set on fire by Ukrainian male escorts – all whom Sir Keir has no knowledge of whatsoever, I cannot emphasize that enough. Once those young lads had finished their random acts of unmotivated arson, well, that was at least two more gone.

"And who knows where they might strike again? Seriously, if we burn down every home belonging to a Cabinet Minister who'd had a bit of hanky panky or had housed Prince Andrew and Jeffery Epstein – well we'd all be homeless."

image from pixabay

Defendants claim President Macron is really a lowland gorilla

Ten people have gone on trial in Paris this week for claiming that the French President Emmanuel Macron is really a lowland silverback gorilla.

Conspiracy theorists point to the bushiness of his opposable thumbs and the thickness of his eyebrows. A video of Macron using a straw to scrape out a yoghurt pot went viral after people said it was just like the famous video filmed by the late naturalist Jane Goodall which showed a silverback using a blade of grass to scoop out ants from a tree trunk. Way to go Monsieur President!

His wife, Brigitte, admits that ‘Manny’, as she likes to call him, does like to swing on the bannisters at the Élysée Palace and has been known to beat his chest at election time. ‘But to suggest that he is a forest dwelling primate with the strength to fell trees is absurd’.

Nevertheless, the rumours persist which is why the Macrons have taken action. It is now likely that Macron will take a DNA test to prove that he is more human than gorilla. Meanwhile in an unusual move the judge has allowed a delivery of bananas when Macron is in the dock.

image from google gemini