Man accused of reading Terms and conditions on a website

Graham Morgan, 59, has admitted in court to reading the terms and conditions for his supermarket app.  He asked the court to take into consideration thirty other sets of 'Ts & Cs' ranging from his BT online webpage to checking out the CeeBeebees webpage terms 'before letting my granddaughter near them'.  He admits his actions are unreasonable.

Website and app Terms and Conditions, AKA Ts & Cs, are reams of electronic pages of meaningless legal mumbo jumbo not intended to be read by anyone.  Notionally they exist to allow every website a user glances past the right to extract any data about the user with a view to sell said data and/or collaborate in the ransacking of their bank accounts.  There are usually standard clauses to claim exclusive rights to first-born children and blanket statements absolving them of any responsibility for anything, anywhere, ever.

Before sentencing, Morgan stated that most of the Ts & Cs he had read included a minimum of five virtual pages stating 'blah, blah, blah...' in blocks of twenty-eight 'blahs' per paragraph and the final sentence, just above the statement insisting that the reader pushes the 'I agree' button, reads 'We reserve the right to add in anything we think of here before, during or after the pressing of the "I Agree" button, and failure to push said button will result in your hard drive being reformatted.'

Sentencing has been delayed while lawyers representing Morgan pour over the sentencing Ts & Cs.  It's expected they'll just push the 'I Agree' button before they get a quarter-way through.

Owl and Pussycat mistaken for 'illegal migrants' by MP Rupert Lowe

Lowe posted a photograph of a beautiful pea-green boat, close to wind turbines, off the Norfolk coast at about 20:25 BST, and said he had alerted the authorities.

He wrote: 'Authorities alerted, and I am urgently chasing.

'If these are illegal migrants, I will be using every tool at my disposal to ensure these individuals are deported to the land where the Bong-Tree grows and to a wood a Piggy-wig stands with a ring at the end of his nose.'

'Enough is enough. Britain needs mass deportations. NOW.'

However, at 06:38 on Friday, he explained the 'unknown vessel' was a false alarm. He accepted it had been a mistake and the Owl and the Pussy-Cat were not immigrants. They did, in fact, have some honey, and plenty of money, wrapped up in a five-pound note. which they were planning to give to the Turkey who lives on the hill so that he would marry them the very next day.

In a later post, external, Lowe said: 'As a well done to the betrothed, I'll donate £1,000 in Greggs vouchers towards their reception.'

'Wait a minute - are they giving the money to Turkey? Hooray! I've found a way I can blame the Muslims! Form an angry mob at once!'

Image: WixAI

Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club. Most of these should never pass a school never mind the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Let’s have a look at the evil vultures circling the lower league.

Baron Silas Greenback Currently an evil toad and the main enemy of Danger Mouse, he is interested in buying or stealing clubs in the first step towards world domination. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Taking particular interest in the youth teams and academy setups of struggling clubs, he is quoted as saying, “There are children here somewhere. I can smell them” He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Hans Gruber After surviving the fall from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard, Mr Gruber has put together a team of specialists from Europe to acquire clubs in desirable areas. He is aiming to sell the land and then blow up the stadiums, then in the ensuing chaos, disappear off and sit on a beach earning 20%. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test under the name Bill Clay.

Jason Whittingham The current owner of Morecambe since May 2018, soon to be prowling the lower leagues for a new target. He has been a director at 25 companies during his career, 18 have been either dissolved, voluntarily dissolved, put into administration, put into liquidation, or put into receiver action (the precursor stage to liquidation), but he still passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test. (All True)

Jabba the Hutt Jabba eat doe football team um staff um dwana doe ground tah Saudi Arabia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jabba has passed doe efl's owners' um directors' test.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive / Wix AI