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Sesame Street Raided by ICE

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Following the suspension of Elmo's Twitter account for a series of antisemitic and racist posts blamed on a hacker, Immigration and Customs Enforcement have conducted raids on the beloved puppet's home in Sesame Street.


"They came at dawn," said reporter Kermit T Frog, "grabbing Oscar the Grouch first because he doesn't have a lock on his trashcan. After that, they indiscriminately rounded up everyone and left them on the curb in cuffs. No-one was safe, even the numbers got checked, and only 18 and 88 got treated with any form of respect."


PBS, who show the hugely-popular TV show in the US, said broadcasts will continue with a reduced cast while court hearing are taking place. One producer told us, "Rest assured, Sesame Street will stay on the air. Just like during the pandemic, things will just be slightly different. We've only got ten letters of the alphabet, the ones you need to spell Trump, ICE, and MAGA; and Cookie Monster proved his Americanness thanks to his love of Oreos. However, we are looking at bringing in friends of the show to cover the gaps. Sadly, Miss Piggy will not be supporting us due to her not being Kosher. We also had been offered a cameo by Lambchop, but we had to decline that on account of her being a sock-puppet."



‘Schrödinger's cat’ metaphor replaced by ‘Epstein’s List’

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The thought experiment derived by Erwin Schrödinger in which a hypothetical cat is both alive and dead at the same time has been superseded. It has been replaced by a list of clients for a sex trafficking ring compiled by Jeffrey Epstein which simultaneously exists on a desk, doesn’t exist at all, and was written by Barack Obama and his associates.


Epstein’s List completely clears up how to interpret the murky world in which Epstein lived, even though that world did or didn’t exist. It also does or doesn’t clean up all those who circulated in quantum superpositions. Some of those on the list may or may not remain in superposition despite many forces acting for or against them. Many people believe that, if it exists, Epstein’s List will make America great again, even if had never been great before. Epstein’s List is therefore also known as the MAGA Paradox.


Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead while enclosed in a box with a flask of poison, a radioactive substance and a Geiger counter. Epstein was awaiting trial in a closed cell where video surveillance confirmed he was both alive and dead, although possibly not at the same time. The transition between the two states was mysteriously not recorded or was successfully recorded and either does or doesn’t exist any more. There is firm suspicion and yet absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that flasks of poison, radioactive substances or any other means of manipulating a change of state was ever present in that cell.


The fundamental question of Epstein’s List is the same as that of Schrödinger's cat. That is, how long do superpositions last and when will they collapse? For many, that collapse cannot come soon enough.



Lord Lucan grassed up by his air fryer

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Lord Lucan has been found, alive and well in Peru, fifty years after disappearing from London in suspicious circumstances. Sensationally, the 90-year-old Lord Lucan was caught after his air fryer worked out his real identity and reported him to Interpol.


Lord Lucan is still struggling to understand the technology that brought him to justice.  ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been grassed up by a tiny oven that can only cook a meal for one, and can’t cope with anything moist? Why would a small electrical appliance be listening to me anyway?  And why would it record my words and broadcast them to the world?  It didn’t say anything about that on the box.  I only wanted it to make chips.  I’ve heard of Hi-Fi, but what on earth is WiFi?


‘I wouldn’t mind so much, but I bought the wretched thing in a thrift shop and I had to get someone to fit a local plug to it so that I could use it.  It’s been fairly useless for cooking.  It doesn’t do soup or eggs benedict or gazpacho or toasted sandwiches.  Roasted sandwiches, more like.  And the chips are disappointing, too.  And now it's sold me down the river, the ghastly thing.  Who invents stuff like this?  The FSB?  Mossad?  Why would a kitchen cooker be connected to the internet?  It’s mad.  Was I targeted?  Has anyone else been dobbed in by a small electrical item?


Interpol were surprised to receive a tip off from an air fryer, but are thrilled with the result.  A delighted and slightly overexcited spokesman said, ‘Lucan’s goose is cooked. He’s toast. He’s been skewered. I expect he’s boiling mad. He couldn’t take the heat. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster.


‘We expect to return Lord Lucan to the Metropolitan Police, who say that they are looking forward to grilling him.’


The air fryer is now in line to collect a substantial reward.



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