Trump wants swimming certificate because Obama got one

United States President Donald Trump has expressed surprise that he hasn’t yet been presented with a swimming award, despite no evidence that he can swim. Critics say that he just jumps in feet first and thrashes about, creating massive waves.

Hardly driven by jealousy over former President Barack Obama’s swimming certificate for calmly negotiating his way through troubled waters, Trump claims to have warranted a similar prize four or five times. He says that he hasn’t been given the credit he deserves for wading in all around the world, especially in India and Pakistan. However, the Indian Prime Minister said that it was he who successfully reached the other end, and it was nothing to do with the US President.

Other world leaders have praised some of the strokes that Trump has pulled. In particular, Russia’s Vladimir Putin has expressed admiration for the US President’s front and back crawl techniques. And Israel’s Netanyahu has vowed to work with Trump on his entry into the pool with a massive bomb.

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Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey.

“We’ve been aware for some time that young hotheads in their 50s and 60s have been seeking out these roads to enjoy the high octane thrills of driving at 20mph. Naturally this isn’t the sort of people we want to attract so, with the usual pretence that it’s something to do with public safety, we are imposing a 15mph limit.”

First to be caught by the new cameras was Gervais de la Boucher, a retired stockbroker driving a red Jaguar MkII because he likes to think of himself as a bit of an Inspector Morse-style silver fox.

“I was on my way to play golf,” he explained, “and a sort of madness came over me. I just lost control. Even as the needle crept up to 17mph, then 18, I just didn’t care.”

He was bound over to appear at Guernsey magistrates court next week, but protested that the court’s on the other side of the island, so if he keeps to the speed limit, he won’t get there on time even if he sets off now.

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Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home.

“50% of domestic fires start in the kitchen,” says the report. “Therefore any credible fire prevention strategy has to start by banning cooking at home.

“Moreover, most of the remaining fires are caused by faults with electrical wiring or appliances, so they’ll have to go too. And having something as flammable as gas piped into every home is clearly just asking for trouble. 

“In short, we’re looking at a future of homes without any heating or light, where you can’t cook food - no of course you can’t build a campfire in your garden, are you crazy? But in return for completely throwing out modern civilisation, we’ll all be much safer, and it will also help bring London closer to net zero.

“Some would say this is a high price to pay, but looking at the Mayor’s transport strategy, I know this plan will be in line with his thinking.”

However, Khan is said to have spluttered into his latte when he read the report, saying “For God’s sake, we’re only pretending all the 20mph limits, Low Traffic Neighbourhoods and ULEZ zones are anything to do with safety. Has this guy been living under a rock?

“At the very least, we need some kind of system for fining people if they cook dinner or heat their homes. Otherwise we might end up making them safer without making a penny out of it.”

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