Government to Trial "Smart Flight Paths"

The UK's flight paths - many of which were decided 70 years ago - will be re-designed for modern aircraft and flying habits through the introduction of technologies successfully proven on the UK's Smart Motorway Network, the government has revealed.

Speaking at Heathrow Airport this morning, the Aviation Minister showed how a revamp would improve travel in busy areas such as around London, telling us, "Using drones, we'll create airborne gantries that control the approach speed and volume of aircraft in an area. During busy times, this means we can increase the number of landing slots with no detriment or risk to anyone. Just look at the M1 or M25 in rush-hour and you can see how well and safely this idea works."

The Civil Aviation Authority has agreed to the idea, providing they are given funding for a fleet of aeroplanes to put out airborne cones in the event of a breakdown, or simply because they feel like it.

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Outrage as woman forced to eat Spanish food on Spanish holiday

As the summer holiday season approaches, many Brits will be looking forward to getting away from the drudgery of moaning about the current state of the country and heading towards the sunny climate of Spanish resorts. However, holidaymakers have been warned to prepare to possibly be disappointed upon hearing the harrowing tale of one Tenerife holidaymaker who was forced to sample the local cuisine on her all inclusive holiday.

"When I go abroad, I don't want much" stated Eileen McKipling, 63. have a very simple list of things I want to experience; sunbathing, drinking alcohol, lying by the pool I never swim in, on a sun lounger I woke up at 6am to reserve, murdering I Will Survive on the karaoke and possibly getting a shag off one of the bartenders. The last thing I want to do is to sample the local culture, so you can imagine my shock when I went to get a meal and instead of having fish and chips I was served something called a Tortilla."

Eileen had hoped that this would be a one-off, but would soon be proven wrong "I thought maybe their cooker had packed up and they had to serve their own stuff, and I would look forward to a battered sausage or the like the next day. But no, once again we were given Spanish muck that I can't even pronounce. Just horrible. When I go on a holiday, the most adventurous I want to get is to go looking for an English pub when I fancy a Yorkshire pudding dinner."

"The worst part is when they gave me this awful soup they called Gazpacho. Clearly they couldn't be bothered to turn the oven on as it was stone cold."

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British Detectives Continue To Search Algarve Golf Courses for Madeleine McCann

While German and Portuguese Police search wasteland near Praia da Luz for clues relating to the disappearance of Madeleine McCann 18 years ago, members of the Metropolitan Police case team continue to investigate their hunch that the three-year-old went missing in the rough around one of the Algarve's many golf courses.

Speaking at the first tee of the Espiche Club, lead officer DCI Savage gave an update on behalf of his team and four-ball, telling reporters, "While we accept it's an outside chance, we won't rest until every inch of this course and any others within 30 miles of Lagos have been thoroughly searched, which won't be that hard thanks to DS Brightman shanking every shot with his driver anywhere but the fairway!"

Four hours later, the search team returned with good news, "Hastings got a hole-in-one on the ninth!" Savage told us, "So that's saved the investigation a bit of cash as the Milky bars are on him tonight!"

When asked how long this case could be kept open, Savage said, "Well, there's three more courses to search, actually four if you count the Stableford competition we've got planned with the local plods. Then there's a rumour a girl matching the computer-aged images of Madeline was seen at the Portimão Restaurant Festival, so we've got some reservations there to follow-up the lead. After that, it depends how long the weather holds out and when the courts confirm the date for my misconduct hearing."

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