Johnson Plans Dignified Resignation

Winner: apepper

Runners-Up: "Russians in full retreat from area of Chernobyl after unusual animals spotted." (camz); "The interview at the Playboy Club didn't go as well as Dave had hoped." (Modelmaker)

"Yes, officer, that's the very hedge I was pulled through backwards"

Winner: Sinnick

Runners-Up: "Nicola's father often threatened that, one day, all this would be hers" (FlashArry); "Cabinet member's wife ponders how to become Non-Dom" (Notalocal)

"Look out lads, it's a troupe of Boris dancers..."

Winner: @BenCohen33

Runners-Up: "Having bungled one case too many, the Met is forced to adopt a new uniform." (Sydalg)

"Idiot realises why he has symptoms of tinnitus." (Lockjaw)

"Government report into Downing Street Parties presented in the form of dance" (apepper)