England Fans Pay for JD Vance to Visit Croatia, Panama and Ghana

Hungary is still celebrating a huge election win for Peter Magyar, despite support for incumbent Viktor Orban from the United States, vice-president. JD Vance has once-again demonstrated his unique reverse Midas Touch.

Reeling from failing to bring peace between Iran and the US, a fiasco that only sits mid-table in his myriad of omnishambles, Vance is already looking to put the collective embarrassments of the loss in Hungary, failure in Pakistan, destroying the NCAA trophy, and killing Pope Francis behind him with his summer vacation. Last year, this took place in the UK. However, the English Football Association say they have received enough funding from fans and interested parties to offer the vice-president an all-expenses trip to Croatia, Panama, and Ghana on the condition the visits take place before the 17th of June this year.

'It's very simple,' said FA Spokesperson Penny T Kicks, 'everything Vance touches turns to mould. Therefore, we're happy for him and his family to visit each of our opponents, shake some hands, have a kick about, maybe tear a few cruciate ligaments, and ease our path into the knockout stages. After that, we just hope we get enough games in the United States where our opponents won't be able to travel into the country for fears of deportment by ICE, and not only will England lift the World Cup again, but we'll also no longer have to hear Skinner and Baddiel singing about sixty years of hurt.'

An offer by Scotland to also have Vance visit Haiti, Morocco, and Brazil was pulled from the table and instead given to Donald Trump, as Scottish Manager Steve Clarke said he needed help from Jesus Christ himself in order to get out the group phases.

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Punters to be spared thrills and spills with Bland National

'What with the war in the Middle East and the oil price crisis, I guess we all have quite enough excitement in our lives to be getting on with,' said some spokes-foam for the Health and Safety Executive.

'That's why, on the orders of the Prime Minister, we are scrapping the Grand National and replacing it with the Bland National.

'Rather than scary fences and water jumps, runners and riders will trot around an HSE-approved imitation meadow in Essex monitored by civil servants equipped with stopwatches and clipboards.

'This will mean fewer injury cases at our hard-pressed A&E units. Also, there'll be a fairness clause which means every horse wins, and that will save everyone millions in silly bets.'

'I can't see why people are complaining that the Bland National will be a crashing bore,' said Sir Keir Starmer.

'Personally, I'll be on the edge of my seat and glued to the screen, checking that all the new rules and regulations are being followed.'

At press time, Red Rum and Desert Orchid were both heard yawning in their graves.

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Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation.

‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’.

Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official stockpiles for emergency use and also to get rid of the stockpile. Bad procurement decision in the 90s.

We asked some over 60s what they thought of the proposals. Comments included ‘It’s Sharia Law, innit, they’re gonna make all the women wear burkas’, ‘I blame the darkies’ and ‘Chemtrails’, which seem to justify the decision.

The move has been condemned by the Russian Embassy, which accused Starmer of being a ‘spoilsport’.

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