2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format

The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.

Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.

10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.

If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.

Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.

Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.

There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.

Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.

The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!

The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.

President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!

Image: Wix AI

Glinda nominates Elphaba for Ice Bucket Challenge

Tragedy struck the Wicked wrap-party, as the Witch was accidently melted for charity. This follows a long campaign by Glinda to nominate Elphaba for the Garden Hose Challenge, the Water Sprinkler Dance Off and the JUST GET IN THE SHOWER WILL YOU! Gala.

Glinda the Good insisted her intentions were…well, 'good', but could not explain why the buckets had been rigged like the last scene from 'Carrie'. She denied using spells, although admitted that the weather app said 0% chance of rain, so 'felt obliged to correct it'.

She explained. 'I felt that Elphaba was overheating. Hydration is important, so I took initiative. Then my water bottle leaked, very aggressively, in her direction. Gravity did it. And you can't defy gravity.'

Image: Wix AI

BBC apologises for Paddington's foul-mouthed marmalade heckle

The BBC has apologised for broadcasting a marmalade based tirade delivered by Paddington Bear during the 2026 BAFTAs ceremony. The heckle was considered particularly offensive due to it happening while two representatives of the jam industry were presenting an award for best use of a non-citrus toast topper in a television drama.

As the jam executives took to the stage, viewers watching the live coverage were to hear cries of 'jam w**kers', emitting from a table nearby where the marmalade-eating Peruvian was known to be seated.

Later, when Paddington made his scheduled appearance on stage himself to present the award for best children's and family entertainment programme, viewers were shocked when he slammed a jar of marmalade onto the podium and declared, 'this is what a breakfast condiment looks like, you f***ers!'

Viewers were later told by host, Alan Cumming, that anyone who has seen Paddington or any of its sequels will know that South American bears have close to no control when talking about, or in the presence of, the citrus fruit preserve, be it raw from the jar or in sandwich form, and that while they apologised for any offence caused, it's equally important that we have a conversation about our relationship with the tangy breakfast favourite made from the juice and peel of oranges. However, several witnesses to the event denied that any such condition existed, and said that the usually timid bear arrived at the ceremony already off his tits on 25 jars of Robinson's Golden Shred.

Image: aitoff - Pixabay