Evil doers: 'Morecambe or Sheffield Wednesday - which team can we destroy next?'

As another 100-year-old football club is potentially being run into the ground by a sad excuse of an owner, see which other opportunistic scumbags are ready to ruin your local club. Most of these should never pass a school never mind the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Let’s have a look at the evil vultures circling the lower league.

Baron Silas Greenback Currently an evil toad and the main enemy of Danger Mouse, he is interested in buying or stealing clubs in the first step towards world domination. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

The Kid Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Taking particular interest in the youth teams and academy setups of struggling clubs, he is quoted as saying, “There are children here somewhere. I can smell them” He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test.

Hans Gruber After surviving the fall from Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard, Mr Gruber has put together a team of specialists from Europe to acquire clubs in desirable areas. He is aiming to sell the land and then blow up the stadiums, then in the ensuing chaos, disappear off and sit on a beach earning 20%. He has passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test under the name Bill Clay.

Jason Whittingham The current owner of Morecambe since May 2018, soon to be prowling the lower leagues for a new target. He has been a director at 25 companies during his career, 18 have been either dissolved, voluntarily dissolved, put into administration, put into liquidation, or put into receiver action (the precursor stage to liquidation), but he still passed the EFL's owners' and directors' test. (All True)

Jabba the Hutt Jabba eat doe football team um staff um dwana doe ground tah Saudi Arabia. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Jabba has passed doe efl's owners' um directors' test.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive / Wix AI

Tommy Robinson may be the new James Bond

Our media correspondent understands from someone that they know, who is mates with someone associated with the Bond Franchise, that Tommy Robinson may be considered for a part in the next James Bond movie.

[That’s enough distancing. Get on with it! Ed.]

‘You couldn’t get anyone more out and out English than Tommy. Considering his staunch stance of keeping England for the English.

'Look at his actual name: Steven Christopher Yaxley-Lennon. I mean, it’s double-barrelled and everything.

'He’s fit as butcher’s dog, and he can take care of himself. Look at that altercation at St Pancras Station. Hardly a scratch on him, and the other fellah was out cold.

'He has a jet set lifestyle. See how he just hopped on a plane to Tenerife the day after. '

'Racist, misogynist and violent? Must be worth a punt '

Image: OpenClipart-Vectors - Pixabay

Contestant-Free Masterstroke Leaves MasterChef '100% Gregg, 100% Bangers'

TV viewers are reportedly 'delighted' that, following the editing out of contestant Sarah Shafi, who voiced 'sweet little concerns in a girly whisper, bless her' over the objectionable behaviour of hosts Greggg Wallace and John Torode, the new series of Masterchef is en route to featuring no contestants whatsoever.

'It's been a difficult period for the show,' confirmed a BBC spokesperson, 'But we think we've finally nailed her - sorry - got our finger on the nub of the swollen issue - so to speak- and fondled the perfect format into touch, literally. Our first, ahem, masterstroke, was editing out a gender and ethnic minority contestant for objecting to providing a platform for sound-as-a-pound presenters against whom a footling 46 claims of inappropriate language and behaviour have been legally - and, ooh, firmly - upheld. Then we thought: why stop there?

'So we simply removed at a stroke - haha - all the female contestants, who weren't exactly pulling their weight (and don't get me started on that can of would-it-be-too-much-trouble-to-make-a-little-effort, eh, girls?) to make their reedy delusions heard over the top of Gregggg's beautifully shrieked bons mots. Then anyone a bit ...'you know'; followed by any remaining top laaads not laughing themselves strangulated every time Grabb leered: 'Stick that up your leaky noisette, Nigella!'

'By show four, his sublime move into pure, unsullied mime (and it's hard - teehee - to get it alternating direction every swing) was raising - wait for it - no more than a titter, so we had no choice but to let the rest go. Fortunately this means there's nothing to come - yes please, mummy- between the real, engorged talent and buffing up some pretty impressive hardware - sorry, needed a moment there - next awards' season.

'Other than basic morals and respect for our viewers, but let's face it: we've proved that's as shrivelled as a whelk's wiener on a winter morning.'

Image: Alexandra_Koch - Pixabay