Newspaper admits repeat puzzle deception

A local newspaper has admitted publishing the same sudoku puzzle every day for over four years.

Puzzle fans took a long time to spot the deception, but one reader eventually noticed and complained.

The local paper admitted repeating the puzzle and said this was because it could only afford the royalty payment for one sudoku.  It then reused the same puzzle, by rotating or reflecting the number grid and changing the digits - swapping them or cycling through them.  Other changes included providing more or fewer digits in the starting grid.

One regular reader said, 'fair play, I didn't spot what they did.  I do the sudoku every day and I enjoyed the puzzles just the same.  Some people think sudoku is boring, but I find it relaxing and restful.  It's time out.'

Another fan was incensed.  'This makes a mockery of the intellectual challenge.  It's sly and dishonest and unethical.  It breaks the unwritten contract between the paper and its readers.  I feel like an idiot for spending all that time solving the same puzzle again and again, and I didn't even notice.  I'll never buy the paper again.  I've complained to the editor, the press regulator, the mayor, my MP and Gyles Brandreth.  I'm demanding millions of pounds in compensation for my wasted time and the psychological damage.  I'll never, ever trust a newspaper again.'

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Renaming of Snowdonia Made Permanent After Great Success at Annoying the English

Eryri National Park Authority have announced that their decision to use the Welsh name over Snowdonia, and Yr Wyddfa instead of Snowdonia will be made permanent after proving a success at its main goals: Protecting the Welsh Language, improving national pride, and annoying the English.

"It makes every Welsh person very proud," said Rhys Jones, the National Park's spokesperson. "We always delight at looking blankly at tourists when they ask where 'eerie' is, rather than the correct pronunciation of 'Ehruhre'. Or we send them on the road back to England, after charging them £5 for a cup of tea and slice of Bara Brith."

Members of the Welsh Assembly welcomed the move, with one remarking, "Protecting our heritage while also infuriating tourists is a great win-win. We particularly enjoy the irony of taking money from English types who complain about people not making an effort to integrate or learn the language after they've spent money on holiday homes in Wales."

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Supermarket gets 'down and dirty' to lure in value conscious customers

One of the country’s large supermarket chains is making new efforts to lure in shoppers looking for bargains.

‘We know that life is tough,’ said a spokeman. ‘Our bills are going up all the time and its probably the same for our customers.

‘We are adjusting our retail proposition to reflect how tough things are. Shoppers need bargains.  There’s no loyalty any more.  Cheapest sausage wins.

‘Our re-modelled stores will strongly signal our value-led proposition. The stores will be cold, so wear a thick coat. Or buy one on the way round. The lights will be dim, so you can’t read the small print on your ultra-processed ready meals.  Tinned goods will have foreign labels, which makes them look cheap straight away.  Our fruit and veg will have a homely, no-nonsense, kicked-about-a-bit vibe.

‘As shoppers can’t afford real food, we will have pallets of cheap stuff – strange rubbery sweets, off brand chocolates, Bulgarian lager and unusually flavoured potato-based snack substitutes. We will show that the stuff is cheap by selling it straight from the cardboard boxes. We can’t afford to pay staff to put stuff on shelves any more.

‘We don’t want to embarrass our customers about things they can’t afford, so we will be removing 'aspirational' products. That’s basically anything that Waitrose sells.

‘We are going back to basics - booze, pastry, stodge and fat. We are targeting shoppers with a BMI over 30, or a family BMI over 120.   These people eat more stuff and they buy more stuff, so it makes commercial sense.  Skinny dieters can buy our overpriced slimming meals if they want, but they aren’t a key demographic for us any more.

‘We will also be reducing in store cleaning, to make the shops a bit dirtier, so it looks like we are making savings too.   Puddles of stuff in the aisles will make shopping a bit more of an adventure.  We will also be hiring more unkempt and slightly threatening staff - so customers know we don't waste money on them.  We will be retain the customer support desks, but we won’t be staffing them.

‘Finally, I’d like to talk about pricing.   Some people have suggested that a ‘value’ offer should include lower prices.  Given that the government has massively increased our wage bill and property costs, I must make it clear that the one thing we won't be doing is cutting prices.  We will, in fact, be raising prices, with the aim of fuelling inflation and teaching the government a solid lesson in basic economics.’

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