Rhyl limits visitors to protect town from over-tourism

Rhyl bosses have declared an immediate crackdown on mass tourism in order to protect the ancient harbour resort from the damaging effects of international besiegement. A city official claimed, ‘On one morning last year, we had 12 out of towners at peak time. The town’s infrastructure just cannot cope.’

Situated at the apex of ‘the North Wales Golden Triangle’ above Denbigh and Mold, Rhyl has for centuries attracted sun and attractions loving Europeans to its historic public park with a quaint café. ‘But now,’ went on the official, ‘We have the Chinese as well. I’m worried the steps leading to the botanical gardens will fall into the sea.’

Locals have also expressed frustration at the sheer numbers of tourists. ‘I don’t mind them personally,’ remarked Mrs Dai Lanaffly. ‘Some of them's good people, the ones who stay in their car and drive straight through. It’s the ones who loiter and take photos and expect things that I don’t like,’

In response, Rhyl is instituting a number of measures. There will be a 100 euro entrance fee applied on all of the area’s peak summer weather days, between July 30th and sundown July 30th. Large cruise ships will be refused docking at Rhyl harbour should any ever attempt it, which they won't.

image from pixabay

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Judges urged to leave out the 'preachy bit'

Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton was about to pass sentence in the case of a particularly heinous murder when he was crestfallen to receive a memo from the Law Society, calling on judges to leave out the 'preachy, self-righteous bit' to save time.

'The Criminal Justice system is hopelessly backed up, and we’re very conscious that justice delayed is justice denied,' ran the memo. 'Obviously we need to give barristers sufficient time to present evidence, cross-examine witnesses and so forth. And the jury must of course be allowed all the time they need to reach a fair verdict.'

The memo concludes that the only area in which they can legitimately look for time savings is the self-indulgent speeches judges make. The new guidelines call for them simply to pass sentence on the defendant 'without getting all Mills and Boon about it.'

'It’s such a pity,” said Bufton-Tufton. 'I’d written an absolute corker for this case. 'You seem a particularly cold-hearted and callous individual… the innocent young life you took… the broken hearts of her loved ones… the hole in their lives that will never be filled…’. Would have had the jury in tears, I guarantee it.

'And now they want me just to say ‘You will go to prison for 15 years.’ I mean, where’s the passion? Where’s the drama? Makes me wonder why I bothered becoming a judge in the first place.

“Thank god I still have my second job writing romantic fiction under the name Evangeline Devereaux… hang on, you’re not going to print that bit, are you?'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Judge in a wig - hilarious)

Asian Hornets Society calls for better hornet housing

A hornets' nest in Southampton said to to be home to some 3,000 hornets was just 75cm-wide. " This is an absolute disgrace" said Milly Purviss of the Asian Hornets Society. "It's time the government took action against rogue hornet landlords such as the one that rented out this accommodation."

More pressure is being put on local councils to provide reasonable-sized, cheap accommodation to dangerous insects but there has been a lot of opposition from Reform UK.

Reform's leader, pub bore and professional milkshake dodger, Nigel Farage, has hit out against the provision of housing for hornets, especially the Asian ones. "What about the British stinging insects?" he asked our reporter. "It's one rule for the British insects and another for the foreign, work shy, immigrant hornets! They can't even speak English!"

image from pixabay