Army to machine-gun turkeys to help avert Christmas shortage

Following news that the army has been drafted in to deliver fuel to resolve supply issues at UK forecourts, it has emerged that the army will also be used to help prevent a shortage of Christmas turkeys by massacring the birds with machine-gun fire.

Farmers have warned that a turkey shortage is on the Christmas cards due to visa changes, allowing recruitment from abroad, coming too late. The idea of sending in the army to help assuage problem came to the Prime Minister when actioning a memo to deliver another raft of swingeing cuts to the military.

Head of the British Army, General Ignatius Fortesque-Smythe said the ideas was, “Top drawer.”

“My boys will attend poultry farms up and down the country and give each of the birds five rounds-rapid. That’ll show the feathery blighters.” Enthused the General. “We could even set up specialist platoons known as the Turkhas who will help us save Christmas this year but can then be treated appallingly for many years to come.

“We also have the option of calling in air strikes from the RAF, a nice dose of napalm would cater for all those lazy oiks who like their Turkey pre-cooked. Or alternatively, using modern methods, they could kill two birds with one drone, thought that might take longer.”

Labour have warned that the move could put unnecessary strain on dentists over the festive period with bullets found in turkey breasts damaging revellers’ teeth. The profession already struggles with Christmas workloads, mainly due to the toffee penny in boxes of Quality Street.

The government are also said to be giving thought to supplying each UK household with a festive sledgehammer for help with cracking their Christmas nuts…

Image: Pixabay/Olga1205

Northern commuters delighted by London Underground extension

People living outside the M25 have been celebrating, euphoric with the news that an extra two stations have been added to the London Underground network.

Piotr Polkowski from Glasgow said: 'Two miles of track, to two new stops at a cost of only £1.1 billion? It's brilliant news! I cannot wait for the trickle down benefits to level us up. Most of our bus and train services have been cancelled or smell like public toilets.'

Luke Lyle from Manchester added 'Booking a Manchester to Leeds return costs more than a month's salary. On average it's 3 days late and also a bus. Still, I would far rather the government used the magic money tree for shaving 10 minutes off the journey time from London.'

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers shrugged 'I mean it's on the Northern Line, that's close enough. What more do these red wall oiks want, actual infrastructure?'

Lawyers to serve Prince Andrew papers, by hiding them on teenage girl

Frustrated by his attempts to avoid their couriers, a US law firm has decided the best way to lure Prince Andrew is to use bait – specifically 25% off at Pizza Express. They have also considered dressing the papers up as a young blonde or writing them in braille on the buttocks of a lingerie model.

Ninth-in-line to the throne, Prince Andrew is first-in-line to get sued in New York. Explained one lawyer: ‘We considered turning the papers into an edible bra for a Playboy model – but we hear he prefers pizza’.

The Prince lists his titles as KG, GCVO, CD, ADC but the court just lists him as AWOL. They may have to try Habeas Corpus, which literally means ‘you shall have the body’ – which allegedly is what got the Prince into trouble in the first place.