Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system

After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.

Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.

When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.

Confused Biden repeatedly refers to Queen as ‘Mom’

By Our Senility Correspondent, Mad King George

CORNWALL, ENGLAND – A clearly discombobulated President Biden addressed the Queen as ‘Mom’ throughout their hour-long luncheon on Saturday, Palace sources have confirmed.

Meeting as part of the G7 summit in Cornwall, Biden reportedly told the Queen, “It’s nice to see you, Mom. I’ve missed you these past few years.” The monarch was reportedly at a loss for a response.

Biden then took a seat on the throne and put his feet up on a corgi saying: “It makes me feel like a kid again. Do we have ESPN yet?” He then rummaged under the ermine and velvet-lined royal seat, seemingly in search of a remote control, and requested Her Royal Highness bring him a ‘sodie’.

“How’s pop?” asked the President awkwardly, before adding in a moment of clarity, “I mean Prince Albert. You can’t still be in mourning after 150 years, Vicky! Woah, we are not amused, eh?” At this point POTUS nudged Queen Elizabeth II in the ribs, winking outrageously.

“It was great to meet with my mom again, and so sweet of y’all to be here in my old backyard of Wilmington, Delaware,” Biden told reporters afterwards, gesturing grandly at the Boeings dotted about the tarmac of the Heathrow runway.

“In a lot of ways, she reminds me of the Queen of England – her faithfulness, her generosity, being Head of the Commonwealth. Plus, that apple pie she served was just like Her Majesty used to make.”

Remarked Queen Elizabeth, “At least Trump only walked in front of me.”

Williamson insists topless picture of Queen must remain

Oxford University students have courted controversy by removing a collection of saucy snaps of our beloved Queen. With her head appearing on so many notes, there is a vast number of unused images of her bottom half in circulation, all literally topless. These particular photos are said to be of Elizabeth trooping the colours in nothing but a bearskin.

Members of Magdalen College decided keeping a photo of someone who is not your nan is a little bit creepy. Said one: 'We just used it for darts practice'.

Out of respect, Mr Williamson, himself, insists on keeping his eyes shut when licking the Queen's behind on a stamp. He also refuses to keep any coins depicting the monarch in his pocket, next to his pre-pubescent testes.

The education secretary said all images of the monarchy were beyond reproach, including Harry dressed as a Nazi, Andrew comforting teenage girls, and It's a Royal Knockout. His aide explained: 'Mr. Williamson keeps a laminated picture of the Queen above his bed. It's both reassuring and arousing. I'm sure she has one of him'.