While King travels to Canada, UK declares sneaky Republic

He had only been out of the country for two-days, but King Charles III discovered the UK had changed all the locks when he tried to get back in. What was meant to be a show of support for the new Canadian PM, turned out to be a decree nisi from the throne. When he returned to the UK he found all his belongings - including a set of golf clubs, the Duchy of Cornwall and an Illuminati sticker album – to have been unceremoniously dumped in black bin bags outside Dover.

The UK was unrepentant, claiming the relationship had been dead for years and that they had just been going through the motions, including all that weird stuff with his Mum and Paddington. Historically all the King Charles have been unpopular Monarchs, hence the expression ‘a right proper Charlie, ‘a good-time Charlie’ and ‘you inbred, adulterous, fat-fingered flummox-brained half-witted cream-face loon…Charlie’.

Technically, Canada is now responsible for feeding and watering the unwanted King, but they have problems of their own. This probably means Charles will wander into the nearest wood and been killed by foxes – which has a sort of irony only a swan could enjoy.

Image credit: Wix AI

Who's started a new family tradition

The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night.

Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family gathers in the lounge, in front of the television, to celebrate their new tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who.

‘We always used to watch Doctor Who together,’ says Mum, Alice. ‘But the show has gone right down the pan. It hasn’t really been any good since Matt Smith. Peter Capaldi was borderline OK. Jody Whittaker was bad. Ncuti Gatwa, I think, is pretty good. But the whole show is let down by really terrible writing, and by a dim-witted reliance on expensive special effects paid for with Disney money. The BBC has sold out. Russell T doesn’t care any more – he’s only doing it because he gets such a big paycheck.’

Daughter Kylie agrees. ‘The stories are rubbish and they are all the same. A monster does bad things to lots of people, ideally a whole planet or a whole galaxy. Doctor Who turns up, runs around a lot, waves his sonic screwdriver, and fixes things in a way that makes no sense at all. The monsters are all boring ones brought back from when Doctor Who was in black and white, but tarted up a bit.

Dad, Colin, complains that the whole show is just intergalactic wokery. ‘I’ll be impressed when we have an alcoholic doctor. Or when Doctor Who eats bad food on an alien planet and has to spend the whole episode in the toilet. That guy never eats – how does he do that?

‘Actually, I agree with Mum. It is the terrible writing that let’s it all down. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and erase Sylvester McCoy, and Peter Davidson and everything after David Tennant.

So, the new Cooke family tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who now focuses on rewatching old DVDs of Sapphire and Steel, and Blake's Seven and Tomorrow People – proper sci-fi that you can actually believe in.

image from pixabay

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'

Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do.

His family were initially sceptical given his past failures, but his wife said she was willing to give the marriage one last go, provided he had done what he promised. To which Oliver replied: 'I absolutely have. Now I just need to pop out the front for something completely not connected. Not the bins! I saw, a dog. Yes, a dog. He was chasing a squirrel. And, well, that needs checking on. How do I know whose dog it is? Was obviously he's not not there now. So, don't go spying on me. I'll be back in five minutes, once I've put the dog out.'

There was some confusion given that bin collection fell across the Easter Weekend and whether Jesus would have approved of recycling, on the day he himself was recycled. Biblically speaking there is a fine line between tribute and just taking the piss. When the topic was of Easter was raised with Oliver, sweat beads and a panicked look broke out on his face. 'What do you mean the bin days have changed?!?'

image from pixabay