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Aries


Mercury is in retrograde, but that’s what you would expect of a thermometer at the start of Winter, after all.


Taurus


Money worries are a thing of the past now you have come into a small fortune. A more pressing issue is how to remove the blue dye from your hands, face and clothes - you look like a startled smurf.


Gemini


'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus' is rather sweet when said by a child. Coming home early from from work and finding them at it is another thing entirely.


Cancer


You repeatedly state that you are an individualist, untrammelled by societal expectation with a refusal to 'follow the herd', but this is somewhat undermined by your constant return to the guidance offered by this forum. You claim this is merely an ironic gesture but you are fooling no one but yourself. The hypocrisy sickens me.


See you again next month.


Leo


I've got nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippity do-dah. Nowt.


Best go with the tea-leaves.


Bon chance, mon ami.


Virgo


You will find your purchase of a wood chipper earlier this year comes in handy when you find a scroat has broken into your house to steal the Christmas presents. And so handy that you live near a pig farm!


Libra


Once you come to terms with being a dick, life will become easier for you.


Scorpio


Well it looks like Nearly-Fat Sharon at number 13 has been getting more than parcels delivered by the Amazon man, and Mrs. Lah-di-dah opposite has fallen off the wagon - again - and was picked up for drunk and disord... Hang on, my crystal ball has reset to inane gossip rather than arcane divination


Mind you, that Sharon is a right piece of work and it would be best to leave well alone if you can.


Sagittarius


We must all walk our own path, but best not to go in the park at night, eh?


Capricorn


Looking for love ? What am I, a dating agency ? Seize the day - stride up to someone you fancy, kiss them full on the lips and profess your undying affection. If nothing else, your life will become more interesting and, possibly, a teensiest bit more painful. Still, you might meet that Special One in A & E, or could they be the arresting officer ?


Aquarius


The long-standing Christmas Day tradition of your mother-in-law being so drunk by lunchtime, that she ends up face first in the bread sauce, will not be broken this year. I know. It's a bore, isn't it


Pisces


We all have our hopes and dreams, but best to revise yours down a fair bit to avoid disappointment.



Featuring post from lockjaw and



FlashArry: Taurus, Cancer, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn



The results this month have been dominated by Deskpilot, new writer Nicka, eppursimuove and James_doc, with the crown going to Deskpilot. Nicka has had a tremendous month so congrats.


As usual the cartoon of the month follows the leaderboard, as does the full list of headlines.






Front Page, News in Brief and Features


billclay



DavidH




Deskpilot












Doctor Chutney







eppursimuove















ian searle



James_doc












jeremynh




Jim Skinz




Lockjaw





lucienne




Nicka
















Sarah Tipper



Sir Lupus




SteveB



Stewartbarclay




Sully



Sydalg





tacitus





Throngsman



Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw for David Coote to bring a 'refreshing change' to MOTD punditry


Headlines


apepper             


Spartacus's Facebook account cloned

Trump appoints Hannibal Lecter Secretary of Food Production


bigbadbob         


Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

New law regarding stalking is a step closer

Russian spy whale had a Licence to Krill

Storms blow Canaries to UK, Met Office issues a Yellow Feather Warning

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches


Deskpilot   

        

AI Michael Parkinson savaged by AI Emu

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Busy gravedigger works himself into the ground

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing

Fish thief left his dabs at the scene

French decide against candlelit reopening for Notre-Dame

Girl Guides to introduce money laundering badge

Hancock: NHS was 45 minutes from running out of PPE

Kemi Badenoch realises she has small shoes to fill

Kemi wins her first, and only, election

Lettuce shortage blamed on cos cutting

Lineker decision to face VAR review

Man City in new legal challenge against the offside rule

Man spends all his money in inheritance tax avoidance scheme

New cash for honours scandal as Olivia Colman gets Blue Peter badge

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

Politician Associates could stand in for MPs

Prize winner has 100 gallons of gravy bisto-ed on him

Research paper on jetties hasn't been pier reviewed

Spray foam found in Boris's old house may not be roof insulation

Trainee air traffic controller finds things are going over his head

Trump appoints fracking idiot


Dick Everyman  


US Embassy to move to Clacton


docholiday        


Barrister ties contortionist up in knots

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

Flasher admit previous convictions - many moons ago

Scotland celebrate coming second from bottom in Nations League footie


Doctor Chutney 


Archbishop accused of carrying a crook

Assisted Dying Bill gets a new lease of life

Chancer of the Exchequer

Gloves wishes husband would buy correct size

Students brand degree in Velcro Technology a rip-off


dominic_mcg    


Labour celebrates winning the next general election

Trump names Typhoid Mary as Health Secretary


Granger


Democracts united in blaming each other

JaGUar campaign mastermind revealed - Reg Perrin

King Herod awaiting Trump's call to take over childcare post


harrypalmer      


103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong


ian searle      

    

"Hi-Fi System without Woofers" rumour described as 'bass-less'

Dyslexic launderette owner anxiously awaiting 'Assisted Drying' result


Jack the Quipper         

   

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

MPs to debate 'Deranged Foreign Leaders' section of Assisted Dying Bill

Netanyahu subject of ICC arrest warrant - apparently, IDF troops were jaywalking in Gaza

On Master Chef: The Professionals, Bodie blows up 2 ovens & Doyle falls for Monica Galetti

One day after US election Sky Atlantic release The Day of the Jackal

Trump appoints Farage as Secretary of State for Foreign Puppet Governments


james_doc         


Cheese Thief Held Under Emmental Health Act

Eric Morecombe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

French Offer Ukraine Unlimited Supplies of White Flags

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD


jim Skinz          

  

After its "disruptive snow" warning, Met Office issues "bang-out-of-order hail" alert

Boardroom battle at tea-maker: You only get a coup with Typhoo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake

Case collapses in prosecution of luggage manufacturer

Child trapped inside Christmas grotto has Claustrophobia

Maker of bad sieves gets a re-straining order

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury


Joanne Starkie  


Harris Trumped


Lockjaw


Smithfield market for the chop


MADJEZ     

        

Capt Tom's family reveal house powered by him spinning in his grave


mcdabble        

  

Edinburgh zoo apologises after 'Pygmy Hippo' found to be bald sheep

Famous man dies. Nation braced for rush of sexual allegations

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated

Met office issues yellow snow warning: Never eat it

Putin Put Out

Tories just as bad on the economy, but funnier, claims man in the pub

UK fully prepared for surprise at cold winter weather

Midfield Diamond          

Many Americans Gullible Again


Modelmaker    


House of Lords can't comment on new Tory leader until all peers have been woken up

Man told salt and pepper beard suits him, takes it as a condiment

Mancunian holidaymaker arrested in Valencia for taking the weather with him

The Czech's in the mail


MrQ     


American sailors accused of rigging votes

Ancient piece of cheese on toast discovery hailed as a rarebit

Anti-drug campaigners told to get off their high horse

Chance of successful Trump assassination described as a long shot

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Farmers told 'Enough of the aggro culture'

Man always making inappropriate jokes blames it on his gag reflex

Tranquil extremists claim responsibility for placid attacks

Voting in America has everyone in a state

Scribbles            

Make America Vote Again!!

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo


sinnick 


Hidden message in bottle revealed to be "2 Gold Tops please"


Sir Lupus        

   

Hospitals to make nurses walk round corner to smoke

Northern electricity customers to be offered smart pigeons


Sketchly      

       

All Welby that ended Welby

Labour Party unveil their new motto: ‘Not my problem!’

Small boats confusion as they all find themselves in Spain

Starmer first human to cross time barrier after back-pedalling at the speed of light


SteveB 


Democrazy

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia


stewartbarclay  


America shits the bed

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the govt?!


Titus     


MAGA - maybe another gunman awaits

New American administration 'admires Ukraine's spirit' but will sh!t on them anyway


Walter Eagle     


Blow me! I hope this doesn't give Johnson any ideas


will       


Wallace to head GB News cookery show







Donald Trump, President elect of the United States, has made changes to his previously announced government office holders. Among the new key members of his cabinet are -


Overseas Aid - Genghis Khan.


Extreme Republican Khan becomes the first person of Asian origin to hold a post in US Government. Trump was quoted as saying, "I think Genghis can bring a whole new vision to how we collect aid from overseas. The guy's had a long time to plan this. Overseas countries like Mexico will be very keen to pay up once Mr Khan comes calling."


Defence - Ru Paul


"Let me tell you, isn't it said the best means of defence is offence, right? Well this, this, this, is it a guy?, sure as shit offends me. We're gonna let Mr Ru tell my pal Vladimir what's coming to him, with feathers on, if he doesn't toe the line. And there's another thing, right? How come we've got two guys. Vladimir and Vladimir, kicking off at each other? What is this, Cheech and Chong?"


Treasury - Scrooge McDuck


In this shock move, criticised by financial experts Simpson, Griffin and Smith, President Trump has taken the unprecedented step of appointing a cartoon character to senior office. "Well, the way I see it, and I'm usually very right about these things, right, is that this guy is literally swimming in money. So he knows how to make and keep a buck or two. And his name's McDuck, right, so he's obviously Scottish. And they are some very smart, very smart people. I myself am part Scottish as you could no doubt tell. I love the colour of that Irn Bru, as you can no doubt tell."


Justice - Randy Byczowski


This is the most unusual new appointment to the Trump government. Mr. Byczowski is currently serving a 7-10 year stretch in the Federal Correctional Institution at Leavenworth, Kansas.


'This one is for the people.' claimed President elect Trump. 'Now Randy is a very smart guy, as I am. And I recognised that thing in him. As soon as Randy's letter from Leavenworth arrived with me, I realised we need to re-examine our whole justice system inside out. And who better to lead that than a felon with a whole string of convictions and stuff to his name? None of these fancy lawyers and judges has got Randy's insight. And convictions. He knows justice - he's just never had any! So anybody out there who may be facing proceedings, challenges, lawsuits or impeachments, I can tell you, Justice Secretary Byczowski will deliver. I've personally assured my good friend Randy that he's got another 10-stretch coming up if he doesn't.'


Head of the CIA - Vladimir Putin


In keeping with his bold appointments, the President of Russia will now take charge of the USA's overseas counter-intelligence operations. 'He assures me that he already knows the CIA inside out, and they know a lot about him, so I figured the deal was as good as done,' said Mr Trump. While controversial, it appears no more so than appointing an alleged sex trafficker to run the Department of Justice.


Labour - Tony Soprano


'The guy's a New Yorker like I used to be, and he takes a direct approach to negotiating with workers, stopping all their sad whingeing about 'oh dear my billionaire boss has declared bankruptcy to avoid paying me my wages. Again.' commented the President. Pundits noted that, having already appointed a cartoon character to his cabinet, a second fictional Secretary of State is not surprising and, despite the Sopranos' reputation for dealing with labour relations using a baseball bat, will probably do less harm than any of the real people Mr Trump might have appointed. 


Environment - Sir James Ratcliffe


Few men have more pollution experience than Sir James. As head of the Environmental Protection Agency, he will end discrimination against the fossilized reptiles that have been repeatedly and unfairly blamed for so-called climate change . 'It wasn't the dinosaurs' fault that they died,' Sir James explained in a hastily arranged press conference. 'I will bring a swift end to the blame-dinosaurs-first cancel culture that the woke socialist wokists have inflicted on humanity.'


Transport - Edward John Smith


As captain of the Titanic, Mr. Smith brings a wealth of experience in navigating difficult transport issues. He will chart a new course in American transportation history, and will do so with icy determination. He will replace the rudderless policies of the Biden-Harris administration with plans guided by his unsinkable faith in the American spirit. 



This feature includes contributions from Tacitus and Sirlupus.


Picture credit: Wix

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