The Russians were hating the sleet
And rations began to deplete
So goodbye to Kherson
Before it gets worsen
Just don’t call the thing a retreat
Our Ukrainian mission's complete
There's nothing left to eat
So we're going away In some disarray
Just don't call the thing a retreat
If you’re not the boss of Shell or BP, chances are you don’t have a spare million quid to cover the cost of warming your home this winter. As putting the heating on is not an option, you need to think outside the box, especially if you don’t want to end up living in one. But the good news is, if you follow this handy guide to staying toasty on a budget, one thing’s for sure - you won’t have to worry about your energy bills ever again!
Make a Tauntaun sleeping bag
Take a leaf out of Han Solo’s book and make a snug sleeping bag from a creature that is built for withstanding extreme cold. Being 100 percent organic, Tauntaun sleeping bags are also very environmentally friendly (except for the Tauntaun community) and the only tools you need to make one are a lightsabre and a peg for your nose to block out the smell. If having one delivered from Hoth becomes too much of a logistical challenge because of all the postal strikes, a hefty llama from your local petting zoo would be a viable alternative.
Befriend an arsonist
Hanging out with a new pyromaniac pal is ideal for staying warm on the go as well as an opportunity to expand your social circle. Just make sure you don’t wear too much hairspray when you’re with them and under no circumstances should you invite them back to yours for a Bonfire Night barbecue.
Get a pet dragon
Guaranteed to add a comforting blast of heat to every room, a pet dragon can warm your home for a fraction of the cost of turning on a combi boiler. Dragons are also very cheap to feed – simply let it tuck into the tabasco sauce and an old jar of jalapenos from the back of your cupboard and give your scaly companion’s breath an extra fiery kick in the process. Please do consider how attached you are to things like your pine furniture, your curtains and your eyebrows when deciding whether a dragon is the right pet for you though.
Treat yourself to a fondue foot spa
De-stress and de-flesh after a hard day by plunging your feet into a bubbling cauldron of molten cheese. Please note though - this tasty homemade spa treatment will do such a good job of exfoliating your feet that you may not have any skin left on them at all if you leave them in too long. To save time in case this occurs, it is best to draw a circle on one of your arse cheeks beforehand, so the doctors know which bit to use for the skin graft surgery.
Renege on a deal with the Devil
Hell is well known for its hot climate, and if you want to spend a cosy, cost-cutting winter enjoying its glowing embers, simply make a deal with the Devil and then wriggle out of it. It is highly likely the sneaky sod will be planning to claim your immortal soul whether you do his bidding or not, so if you throw in a bit of wailing, pleading and hysterical sobbing, he might not even notice that you broke your pact on purpose. If you play your cards right, you’ll be dragged into the fiery pit of Hell and be basking in all that lovely fire and brimstone before you can say Doctor Faustus.
During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:
1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.
2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.
3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.
4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.
5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.
6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.
7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.
Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.
