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Ukraine doing well is 'bitter sweet' says arms manufacturer


'

Obviously we want them to do well, but not that well, not so well that they might actually win. Nobody is going to hit their sales targets if things spiral out of control and a truce happens.


'Ideally we want a protracted conflict, where Ukraine can be plucky but ultimately thwarted. Peace would be nice, but not as nice as $5bn of arms sold each month.'


image form pixabay



First published 16 Sep 2022


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Millions lining M6 to see funeral cortege pass through England left disappointed



Police estimate that over 20 million Englanders lined the M6 motorway to watch a cortege of hearses trundle between Carlisle and Birmingham. Initially it was thought that those gathered at Sandbach Services experienced the most disappointment, but as the coffin of Her Royal Highness transferred to a train at Dundee, it was Crewe station trainspotters who were most dejected to learn that she had ended up on a replacement bus service at Perth.


'It must have been a nightmare of a journey,' said one plebeian commuter. 'I can understand the decision to save on outrageous fuel prices. Do you know how much motorway services petrol costs these days? And if one has a publicly funded transport season ticket, then it makes sense to wring the last bit of value out of it.'


The plebian's husband annoyingly and pointlessly interrupted to add, 'The A9 is your best route, but south of Edinburgh I would have switched to the A7 down through Galashiels and Hawick, then cut across to join the A1 at the Kenton Bar Interchange.'


Reports have been strenuously denied that an important package was lost somewhere between Preston and Warrington.


image form pixabay



First published 15 Sep 2022


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Man downs three-course lunch by 10:30am



A Norfolk man had face-binned his breakfast, brunch and a three-course luncheon at his desk by 10:27am it has been confirmed.


Spreadsheet-shuffler Rod Flannigan foolishly placed his transparent lunch box within the viewing angle of his laptop screen when starting work and was subsequently seen chowing down in anger before anyone had even made tea, according to witnesses.


‘I made the classic mistake of thinking I'd just have a bite of flapjack whilst firing up Outlook, which of course was bound to escalate! Before I knew what was happening I had grapes and Dairylea in my gob at the same time and my own hands force-fed me peanuts relentlessly like some Hadean punishment for gluttony' Rod admitted of the feeding frenzy that would have made a Great White Shark look like a fussy eater.


'It was like a starving lion neck deep in a zebra's ribcage' recounted a shaken colleague. ‘When I looked up there were crumbs and organic debris flying across the table as his substantial rations disintegrated into that howling maw in a matter of seconds. I got a crisp shard in my eye, McCoy’s Beef Flavour I think'.


Flannigan was later hosed down and put back to work in a dazed state before being spotted queuing at the chip van at 11:45, eating a sausage roll.


‘It’s something about work, I don’t eat like this at home’ he added. ‘We don’t have a chip van’.




First published 14 Sep 2021


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