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Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'



Platty Joobs has rapidly emerged this week as a contender for the most annoying and ridiculous phrase ever, the shortening of words saving no time and immediately rendering the utterer as a complete tool. But what other phrases are totes annoying? Here at NewsBiscuit we have done the heavy lifting for you and curated some of the best for you.


Holibobs


Are you a toddler who has you just learnt to speak and who is still struggling to control your bladder function as well as working out how different words are pieced together? No. Then you have no reason to use this descriptor of a weekend away or a fortnight in the sun. See also 'Chrimbo' and ‘x sleeps till our holiday’.


Brewski


Used by Americans to try and sex up the description of a piss-weak lager like Coors Light, using this in any context outside of a Harvard frat-party is unforgivable. Period.


This


A deliberately provocative, flagrant contravention of the ‘every sentence must have a verb in it’ rule we were taught at school. This use of a single word alongside a retweet or share of someone else’s point accentuates just how importantly you feel about what they’ve said whilst simultaneously signalling your laziness to write anything else. Literally, this.


Life hack


Designed to make the reader think something is transformative, in reality these invariably describe the most mundane adaptations to regular activities, like scraping one extra piece of pasta that’s stuck on the side of a pan or lengthening your stride by 1cm to save yourself 10 seconds on your walk to work.


My Bad


Your bad what? Your bad attempt at shortening the phrase ‘I’m sorry for my mistaken attempt to bastardise the English language’. Dude, no worries, YOLO.


I’m screaming - yes, we all are too, mate. Like an Edvard Munch painting.





First published 4 Jun 2022


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Dorries demands Mumsnet gets privatised



Nadine Dorries is said to be fuming after an interviewer for the website Mumsnet was insufficiently deferential to Dorries’ boyfriend Boris Johnson. Dorries insisted Mumsnet hadn’t done itself any favours and that many people had her Mumsnet password. She also said Mumsnet needed to free itself of government subsidies. Even though it doesn’t get any, 96% of Nadine Dorries believes that it does.


A similar proportion of Tory MPs are raised by nannies and introduced to their mums (or ‘maters’) at a formal luncheon, not long after they reach the age of 8. On the same day, they receive a tub of Brylcreem and a firm handshake from their father, before being sent to boarding school for a daily thrashing.


Johnson later confided to advisors he agreed to the interview to meet MILFs.




First published 3 Jun 2022


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Government to announce plan to help SUV drivers park their cars



In an audacious plan to revive his flagging popularity, the Prime Minister has announced that from tomorrow morning, all parent and child parking spaces, along with the ones allocated to the disabled, will become SUV only parking spaces.

We asked for clarification about the motivation for this move, but the civil servant we spoke to told us if we could ask her again in a few hours time, she'd be able to lets us know whether it was more than her job's worth to answer honestly. or if in a few hour's time, she was in receipt of her P45, she'd be keen to discover if her story was worth a few bob, or at least enough to be able to afford a bag of yellow-labelled pasta to feed her kids with.


Deirdrie Spigot, the civil servant we spoke to, who asked that we didn't reveal her name, but we felt obliged to when Rupert Murdoch expressed an interest in adding Newsbiscuit to his portfiloio, told us she thought is a bloody disgrace that she will now has to wheel her elderly mother from the far side of the supermarket car park to discover that her mother had forgotten what she wanted to go to the supermarket for, but enjoys shouting obscenities at people she suspects own SUVs told us she is hopeful the insanity of current government policy might end with the demise of the current leader, but is fearful of Insanity 2.0, Johnson is replaced with anyone from the cabinet.


Deirdrie's husband however, applauded the decision as the most sensible thing a government has ever done. "At last I can park my SUV in a parking space and be able to open the doors" he said.




First published 2 Jun 2022


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