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Rising temperatures are 'likely to be beneficial' for Britain as more people die of cold than heat in this country, a Tory peer called Lord Chill has said.


Speaking during a debate on the level of Government preparation for the impacts that climate change will have on health, the economy, food security and the environment, the Tory peer said: 'We have all too little debate on climate change. After all nobody has ever explained it to me. At least, not so I understand it.'


'Will I have to change my name? Will it be a hot girl summer?'


'It’s all the more important that we have it now since critics who don't know what this policy is for, or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, find it increasingly difficult to get a hearing in the media.'


Lord Chill said: 'Digging deeper, what are those consequences of the hotter, warmer summers and warmer, wetter winters? I'm not very technical, but I have never heard a proper explanation of this problem. For example, how can financial predictions be so far off but climate is supposed to be predictable, as if its science or something, but what even is that anyway? I haven't looked into because I find that sort of thing hard. Nobody has ever been able to give me a simple explanation without boring me by talking for more than 30 seconds'


'Oooh, a shiny button!'




First published 26 Jul 2023


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Tory leader candidate Rishi Sunak has said that "Britain must be sensible. Although we all like unicorns and we'd all like one in our back garden, I don't think we can afford to have them right now, but if we follow a realistic plan, we can start delivery in 2023. That will give us plenty of time to get a trade agreement with Narnia. Is that where they come from?"


image from pixabay



First published 25 Jul 2022


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Following a washout test match in which the TMS commentators used every description of rain known to mankind, the ICC has proposed that future test matches are either played somewhere sensible, or that both teams provide their best groundsmen, who will compete against each other in keeping the pitch and outfield dry.


The cricketers themselves would entertain the spectators by performing rain dances or displays of piety, depending on which team of groundsmen were mopping up, and the match will be decided on how many overs might have been bowled between making the pitch usable and the next torrential downpour.


TMS commentators, who traditionally have been ex-cricketers, would be replaced by ex-groundstaff who will comment on the various techniques the opposing groundsmen employ and how much more difficult it was keeping pitches dry in their day, without the assistance of protective clothing.




First published 24 Jul 2024


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