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Rich boy makes sure to emphasise how hard his dad works



18-year-old fresher Luca was left harrowed after a fellow student suggested that he came from wealth.


‘I do, but that’s not the point,’ Luca tells us.


The Exeter fresher had done everything in his power to hide his family’s exuberant wealth, from speaking in an affected East End accent despite being raised in Kensington to donning charity shop streetwear in order to blend in with the average man. These attempts were regrettably futile, as a female student noticed a set of tan-lines consistent with boat shoes, chinos and a puka-shell necklace that had been worn for months in a hot climate while watching a local man build a well.


‘I’m not going to apologise for where I come from,’ Luca says, smoking a Chesterfield Red. ‘Daddy’s worked his bally arse off to get where he is. Sometimes he’s in his office for three hours at a time.’


Luca took great pains to convey how hard his father works by explaining all the cello recitals he missed as Luca was growing up. While his exact job title hasn’t been disclosed, Luca reveals that it’s got “something to do with finance.”



First published 14 Jul 2023



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70s patio listed as UNESCO World Heritage Site



An excited historian confirmed: ‘It’s been untouched by weedkiller or human hand for generations. It’s the most preserved example of brutalist architecture we have, outside of Slough. And at solstice time. druids will gather around to have a BBQ and a quick nap on the hammock. Yes, it may be grey, mouldy and uneven – but so is Stonehenge’.



Nobody is sure who the original builders of the patio were, but preserved artifacts suggest it was a cro-magnon builder, who smoked non-filtered cigarettes. Likewise, it’s purpose is lost, but many think that it was the roof of a burial chamber for a dead cat. The historian said: ‘It’s not uncommon for the God of Cement to demand a rockery or garden gnome stand guard over the structure. And birds would often smash snails upon it as sacrifice. What I would say, is whoever lived here, were certainly primitive’.


image from pixabay


First published 13 Jul 2022



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How to run a successful Tory leadership campaign



Are you a prospective Tory leadership candidate? Here at Newsbiscuit, we've compiled the best pieces of advice. Why not save yourself some time and benefit from the distilled wisdom of all the other candidates about how to run your campaign.

Here are 6 top tips:


1. Remember to throw a hat into a ring. You are not allowed to simply announce that you are standing for leader, or formally declare your candidacy. The only way to enter the race is to get a metaphorical hat and throw it into a bigger metaphorical ring. Whilst the origins of the phrase are contested, it may conjures up images of a circus, and clowns falling over their feet which is no bad thing with this rabble.


2. Have a good slogan, something honest and straight to the point. Forget Ready4Rishi, how about 'The non-Dom Homme'. Stella Braverman - 'Woke me up before I go-go'. Liz Truss - 'you'd Truss me about as far as you can throw me'. And Grant Shapps - 'Have you forgotten just how shit I am - well here's a timely reminder'.


3. Make a massive issue out of the tiniest everyman thing you did. Even if you've never met someone who is working class, apart from the people in your mansion who work 'below stairs', make a huge deal out of the time you had to sit next to a member of the proletariat on a train, or the 15 minutes you spent posing once for photos at a local food bank. The cost of living crisis is hitting you too - you've had to turn down 2 of the Agas heating the west wing of your holiday home in rural Berkshire.


4. Have a supporter who continually refers to you by your first name. Having someone who constantly says 'Nadhim is such a nice guy', or 'Jeremy is exactly the sort of person you want in a crisis' can make you sound...well...almost human. Ok, It can come across as a bit clubby, but it can help people get beyond the estate agent/accountant/serial killer vibe that your official photo gives off.


5. Don't mention Boris - goes without saying. Toxic, tarnished, and no-one liked him anyway. Avoid anything that can conjure up an association with Boris including Brexit, partygate, bungled policies, sleaze and corruption...essentially anything your party has presided over for the last 3 years. Oh, shit, you're in that party too, right?


5. Lose with dignity - didn't get those 20 votes needed to progress past the first round? Instead of comparing yourself to football teams defeated in the first qualifying round of the FA cup, turn defeat into a positive. You are glad to have had the chance to shape the debate, even if that has just involved some very odd anti-woke tweets and a couple of questionable soundbites that show you clearly haven't got a clue what you're talking about


First published 12 Jul 2022



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